outwardly.inward

Positive Psycho(path)logy…

University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center defines Positive Psychology as “the scientific study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive…The field is founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play.” Although positive psychology is not a new discipline, it has gained popularity in the last decade as a supplemental view to classical psychology, which traditionally only focused on the treatment of mental illness. “Psychology after World War II became a science largely devoted to healing. It concentrated on repairing damage using a disease model of human functioning. This almost exclusive attention to pathology neglected the idea of a fulfilled individual and a thriving community, and it neglected the possibility that building strength is the most potent weapon in the arsenal of therapy”. Positive psychology aimed to address the preoccupation with only treating mental illness by focusing on mental health and resiliency as a sort of prevention therapy. Some invaluable research has come out on topics that are of everyday concern to healthy North Americans by focusing on ‘optimizing’ healthy mental functioning and increasing wellbeing. But, since the initial surge in research from 1999 onward, the popularity of positive psychology has eclipsed classical psychology and spilled over into the arena of self-help. Self-help gurus have taken positive psychology out of its context as a supplemental method, in order to make it more commercially viable.

Self-help doesn't always help... 

The popularity (and marketability) of this kind of Pop-psychology is twofold and inter-related. Firstly, its appeal lies in filling a void in the psyche of a consumer culture run by the inescapable presence of advertising. Media continues to expertly prey on our animal-tendencies by refining their understanding of what will increase consumption and possession practices. Corporations have thus tailored their marketing to appeal increasingly to hedonic, aesthetic, and ritualistic dimensions. This level of manipulation, coupled with the inescapable presence of media that saturates every waking moment of life, has created a consumerist culture that is no longer voluntary, or avoidable. This pathology of habitual desire (that has all the characteristics of a psychological addiction) is intensified by credit card-culture, and this ‘addiction’ is only worsened by constant acquisition. North Americans have become consumer addicts, and slavery to credit-card debt, coupled with longer working hours to facilitate more shopping, results in increasing unhappiness, which in turn worsens the pathology. In this environment of constant psychological ‘emptiness’, self-help thrives because of an approach rooted in positive psychology, where the techniques focus on maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain. Conversely, Pop-psychology also serves to smooth the progress of this addiction by asserting North American’s ‘right’ to have everything they’ve ever wanted, and thereby endorses an approach that encourages a cost-benefit analysis of every action and interaction in life. So, we are left with a populace that is deeply addicted to consumerism and estranged from their community by ‘righteous self-interest'. This populace then turns to self-help, in order to combat the growing discontent in their lives, and are advised to reach a further level of introspection where they will find some untapped resource that will lead to health, wealth, and hopefully happiness. By examining the popular Western ideology on which the misguided self-help industry depends, it is apparent that these ideologies set limits on what human flourishing looks like.

I am my only company...

 The central tenets of self-help rest on the ideology of individualism. Individualism is a moral stance, a political philosophy, and an ideology or social outlook. It stresses "the moral worth of the individual and promotes the exercise of one's goals and desires and so values independence and self-reliance while opposing most external interference upon one's own interests, whether by society, family or any other group or institution”. In the West we largely agree with this ideology, yet it deserves some scrutiny as the platform to launch our hopes of wellbeing from. Firstly, by embodying the most extreme kind of individualist ideology, self-help has rendered our society completely blind to systematic injustices, because it puts the onus on individuals to ‘create’ the life that they want, and denies other factors like race, class, sex, ability, and even random tragic events. This ‘though luck’ attitude asserts that all individuals should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and that if they can’t, they must not be working hard enough. This extreme individualist ideology has weakened our ability to stand together for change. No radical social change is possible when each individual is only concerned with his/her own agenda. If we are told we can ‘have it all’, it is likely we will not make any concessions, even if it will result in a higher standard of living for everyone. Our definition of self is so wrapped up in our need to be right, that we are unwilling to take on other points of view. Lastly, self-help ignores research findings that do not fit the individualist ideology. Money has been shown to have little effect on long-term happiness; community involvement and relationships are essential to wellbeing; and regular acts of altruism have been linked to long-term happiness (Grohol, 2010). In this way a disguised ideology perpetuates a socio-political status quo, and fails to do justice to moral visions outside the dominant outlook. Unfortunately, self-help has flooded the North American psyche with unrealistic notions of individualism that diminish our perceived need for social interdependence, and reinforce the habits and ideologies that are the cause of our discontent.

The truth is in the world, not in your head…

 For many non-Western people this separate sense of self, that is taken for granted and promoted in Western cultures, is seen as illusory, limited, and a source of suffering. Buddhism, Yoga, and Taoism encourage, as the root of their practice, an unrelenting ‘search for the real’.  Yoga talks in extensive detail about how identification with the ego or self leads to attachment, sin, and destructive emotions. Yoga philosophy asserts that the root of all suffering arises when we disconnect from reality in order to avoid unpleasantness. Instead, it teaches that we can experience pain without suffering, since suffering arises when we resist negative experience. Conversely, it teaches to experience pleasure without attachment to also avoid suffering. This is wildly different from the Western self-help industry, where the name of the game is minimizing pain and increasing pleasure. Eastern traditions also emphasize that it is by learning to identify with ever-greater communities or wholes that we find equanimity, peace, and wellbeing. Ultimately I think that if we were to only adopt either collectivist, or individualist ideologies, that either one will eventually fail us. Binaries are always questionable when it comes to ideology, since most of life is a sliding scale. Every event, philosophy, and ideology needs it’s opposite. Opposites are, in the end, only two sides of the same stick, where each half serves as a definition for the other. Social change will only be possible when we seek to expand our knowledge, instead of pruning it down to fit our current ideologies, and so I propose a look into eastern tradition in the hopes that it will supplement our western psychology, ideology, and governance, but not replace it.

up.rooted

How Can I Become My Higher Self Without My Lower Half?

I know that not everybody puts any merit in the idea of chakras, or energy centres in the body. That is fine. I find chakras are a useful way of conceptualizing different aspects of human nature, and that is mostly how I use the information about chakras. For example, I sometimes find myself inexplicably drawn to certain colours, scents or foods. I will obsess over them for a while, until I have had my fill, and then move my attention back to my regular preferences in food, smell, and taste. As of late, I have been drawn to first orange, and now red; to spicy, aromatic foods, and to ethnic music and exotic smells. This phenomenon can be explained by Western psychology as a psychological need to fulfil cravings for warmth, nurturing, "spice in my life" or passion. It can be explained by a medical model as a physiological need for an ocular stimulation through colour (that is know even in medicine to affect mood) or a dietary need for certain nutrients that the body craves (maybe in response to the colder weather). In Eastern tradition my obsessions with spicy food, warm colours, and deep, seductive fragrances are explained through the understanding of chakras.  I find basic knowledge about chakras useful, even for people that don't believe that there are balls of energy residing in their physical body. Chakra wisdom never fails to provide me with uncannily accurate explanations for my seemingly random draw to certain things, and matches up very well with what Western science tells me about my "cravings".  And so with that in mind, I invite you to suspend your disbelief so that I can tell you why I believe that many women may be missing their lower halves...

I Call It Chakras, You Call Whatever You Want...

It all started two summers ago, when my friend Rachel gave me a book on chakras to read. Many of the things stated sounded familiar, and upon further inspection I found that the models coincided closely with theories found in Western psychological models. Colour therapy, olfactory (smell) therapy, and nutrition research had proven (through science) what Eastern traditions have known for many years, and have passed on through the tradition of Yoga.  Basic chakra wisdom states that we have seven energy centres running vertically through the body, and each centre has its own colour(s), sounds, smells, tastes, as well as some physical and emotional components that relate to it. 

Top Heavy Women, and Bottom Heavy Men...

The top three chakras are mainly mental/spiritual chakras whereas the bottom three are visceral/or emotive chakras. The middle one,the heart chakra, is the one that integrates the two hemispheres: our physical and mental experiences. Personally, my fascination lies in the realms of the bottom half of the spectrum. I feel that as a woman, I have mastered the realms of the upper chakras. Communication is extremely important in female relationships, and is cultivated from a young age. Spirituality, community, and nurturant tolerance are all the realms of the upper chakras, and I feel my education in these have left me somewhat "top heavy". Also, being a person that likes to live in my head, I contemplate and intellectualize, which adds to the dilemma. When I get together with girlfriends we sit down and we talk (throat chakra). We analyze situations and people, we form concepts (3rd eye chakra), and we deepen our understanding of the world (crown chakra). Men, conversely spend their bromancing time doing activities together that are governed by the bottom three chakras like playing sports, or going for food and drinks. When they sit down for a chat, their communication is often centred around bravado or self esteem boosting conversation (solar plexus chakra), sex (sacral chakra), or action and material security (root chakra). I would say then men's environment centres around the bottom three chakras. 

I Can't Feel My Lower Half!

After reading about the chakras, and how certain blockages or under-activity translate into physical and mental conditions, I realized that most of the problems that I have in my life are considered "lower chakra problems". 

Here is a list of the common "ailments" associated with the lower chakras:

• Self-esteem problems
• Jealousy
• Clingy-ness
• Dealing constructively with strong emotions
• The right to take up physical space
• Problems (or obsession) with securing material possessions
• Body satisfaction
• Embodiment (living in your body, and not your mind)
• Creative flow
• Free sexual expression
• Job satisfaction
• Energy

Any woman reading this is probably saying: "Check. Check. CHECK!" Most of these issues are predominantly female issues. Even if you personally don't struggle with some of these, you will know a woman who does. Some of the problems arise from society, like our problem with taking up space; whether it be through physical presence, intellect, or strong opinion. Our self esteem and body satisfaction is constantly battered by media, even if it was high to start with. Our sexual expression is systematically either oppressed or exploited, neither of which is a bedmate of freedom. Our natural creative flow is ridiculed as being frivolous, and so we put it on the back burner so that we can "make it in a man's world" by being shrewd businesswomen. We suppress our emotions for fear of being told that we have PMS, or that we are just being silly girls. We are essentially, in one way or another, largely cut off from our lower half. 

I Am Starting To Feel My Toes...

Since I have come to this realization, I have started to take a decidedly diagnostic approach to my "ailments". When I feel one of the symptoms I have listed above, I go to a website on chakras and try to find out which chakra relates to this feeling. It is almost always one of the lower three. For instance, a few summers ago (when I first got the chakra book from my girlfriend) I was obsessed with the colour yellow, with yellow gold jewelry, and with lemon flavoured and scented goods. When I got the book I went straight to the "yellow chapter" on the Solar Plexus Chakra, and found so many things that coincided with the state of my life at the time. I had just ended a three year relationship in which I had completely lost myself. I had no self-esteem left, no capacity to handle my emotions constructively, and no personal power. As I worked with the techniques and meditations in the book, I built up all of my resources in dealing with the issues of that chakra and it worked beautifully.

I am fully aware that it could have been a placebo effect. In fact, I think the reason it was so effective was because it gave me "something to do" in a time where I felt helpless. Just the action of doing something constructive about my situation definitely led to building a better self esteem and personal power, especially after I had fallen into the trap of expecting my relationship to fulfill all my needs. But since that time I have found that, without fail, it is better to attack my emotional and physical ailments with some sort of chakra diagnosis, then it is to do nothing but wish it away. Although the notions of chakras might seem too esoteric for some, it is just a launching pad for action to change your life.

Attack Your Demons, Don't Try To Think Them Away...

For me, the use of chakra wisdom has been a way to concretely diagnose and deal with the abstract realms of emotions. When I feel anger without any provocation, jealousy where I usually wouldn't, or emotional and physical exhaustion for no apparent reason, I find that being able to refer to a chakra chart helps me to know where to take action. Usually I am surprised to find that many things in my life coincide at one time with the chakra in question. Right now in my life I looked up the Root chakra because I have been physically exhausted and sick. As I read the characteristics of that chakra I realise that I am having cravings for spicy food, I am drawn to all things red, and I am having random outbursts of anger. They all happen to relate to the root chakra. My body already knows what it needs to overcome this blockage. Or maybe it is just coincidence?  If it works, I don't really care either way.

face.value

Talk To The Hand,‘ coz The Rest Of Me Is Expensive...

As a woman, I rarely bother to stop and think about how much it costs to keep up appearances, literally. That is, until a few days ago, when I popped into the drug store to pick up some makeup that had run out. Now, I will start by saying that I am a student, I am perpetually broke, and I am pretty cheap frugal. I start with that qualification, because buying drugstore make up is the economical route to take. Most women I know (bless their real, grown-up jobs) opt for higher priced department store brands or high end, small-batch natural products. I wish.

I don’t use a lot of make-up in everyday life. I’m not trying to be virtuous with that statement, it’s just my lack of skill that discourages me from trying anything more glamorous, because I always end up looking like a drag queen when I try my hand at it. Still, I have a cosmetics bag full of products that I attempt to use every now and then. I consider myself at the low-end of the scale, and still the final price is shocking. This is what I have in my bag, and how much it costs:

Foundation:           $32

Bronzer:                  $32

Glow stick:              $24

Mascara:                 $13

Eyeliner:                 $15

Eyebrow pencil:   $12

Lip gloss x 2:         $30

Lip Balm:                $4

Eyeshadow:           $20

TOTAL:      $182

Most women I know have a suitcase full of various makeup. Imagine the cost of all of that!

All this stuff runs out every 1-2 months. So, even being conservative, it’s about $100 a month to look presentable. Now add to that the rest of the beauty supplies I, and every woman, uses, and at the bottom of the price range you are looking at:

Face wash:      $12

Toner:               $12

Moisturizer:    $25

Eye cream:       $30

Body Wash:     $12

Body Lotion:   $15

Razors:             $20

Shampoo:        $10

Conditioner:   $10 ($30 per liter of each, lasts about 3 months)

Hair product: $15 (3 products @ $10 each, lasts about 2 months)

Deodorant:      $10

TOTAL: $171

Then there are the millions of little things that are purchased every now and then like:

Tweezers: $15

Make-up brush sets: $50-$300

Bronzer lotions: $20

Nail polish: $7-$20 a bottle

Face masks: $20

Perfume: $50-$200

Scrubs: $15

Straightening irons: $100- $300

Curling Irons: $30-$100

Nail polish remover, cotton pads, nail files, foot files: $20

etc, etc etc!

TOTAL: God only knows!

I’ll bet that most women have at least $500-$1000 worth of  “beautifying stuff” in their homes. I have 3 full drawers of accumulated paraphernalia that promises to make me a better prettier person.

Most women also recruit some outside help every 3 weeks or so:

Hair cut and color: $130-$300 (The $130 being a Supercuts price)

Manicure: $40

Pedicure: $40

Gel Nails: $40-$75

Eyebrow wax: $20

Facial: $75-$100

How can a student afford all of this? Well, I can’t. I get gel lacquer done every 2 weeks, but I cut my own hair (no joke) and don’t color it. I butcher my eyebrows, and don’t get facials unless my very busy esthetician friend can do one for me after hours, in exchange for some baking. When my feet start to look like a man’s, I grudgingly take an hour every few weeks to fix them up.

I am going to informally estimate that most women spend about an hour a day getting dressed and made up (that is, just choosing and putting on an outfit, doing hair, and applying make-up). They probably spend about an hour a week “in the chair” getting hair and esthetics procedures, and another hour a week driving and waiting to get to and from appointments. We then spend about another hour a day grooming (shaving, plucking, masking, brushing, whitening, painting, poking and prodding in general).

That’s about 16 hours a week that we spend on our looks, and a minimum of $300 a month on products and services. Yes, there are some women that manage with less, and most that rack up A LOT more. But you get the idea! Money aside, if I only had to groom as much as a man, I would probably have at least 10 hours a week of spare time. I could learn a new language! I could start a career in politics. I could volunteer. I could dedicate more than an hour a day to any hobby or activity I want! But instead I am making sure that I uphold the socially prescribed standard of what a woman should look like. Worst part is, as I age, the time, energy, and cost of looking good will increase.

Why am I telling you all this? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to stop! I am familiar with the biological underpinnings of reproductive appeal. I am aware of the social benefit that beauty affords. I am aware that the “choice” to stop beautifying is not a choice at all. That I am trapped in a social construct partly based on biology, but fueled by economics and the ruling patriarchal order, that keeps me glossed and glazed. I am telling you all of this because it was fun for me to calculate “what my face is worth”. And I hope it will be interesting for men to come to understand how much time and money it takes for women to look the way they do. I talk about all of this because, like one of my English profs used to say: “I’m not telling you WHAT to think, I’m just telling you TO THINK.”

biology.monogamy

Mommy, where do monogamies come from?

 Monogamy is a rarity in the animal world, with biology favoring varying degrees of promiscuity as the reproductive tactic of choice. Yet, for this reason, the shaky, but constant appearance of the ideal of monogamy in human romantic relationships proves even more alluring. Sexuality has always played a pivotal role in many facets of human life, including: relationships and reproduction, spirituality and enlightenment, morality and social control, and oppression versus freedom, to name a few. Most societies around the world have high stakes in the understanding of monogamy, since most of them depend on moral constructs based on various degrees of sexual continence to facilitate thriving communities and individuals. 


There are piles of evidence that show that life-long monogamy is likely not a natural biological state for humans, but instead a complicated adaptation influenced by experience, culture, and perhaps even the pre-frontal cortex. Although monogamy is not the predominant mode of reproduction in the animal kingdom, most mammals form enduring mating relationships (mating bonds) with members of the other sex. An influential theory on why mammals form mating pairs was first introduced by Robert Trivers in 1972, and proposed an evolutionary theory that is still popular today. He proposed that because many mammals give birth to helpless, slow developing young, it is adaptive for males to stay with the female to increase the likelihood of successful development of the offspring, thereby passing on both parents’ genes. But mate bonding is a far cry from life-long sexual monogamy.


Daddy, are opportunists a kind of fish?
Female mammals must carry and nourish a fetus from their own bloodstream, undergo childbirth, and then provide additional metabolic investment in the form of milk. In contrast, males only have to produce a teaspoon-full of tiny sperm. This discrepancy in reproductive costs means that the best mating strategy for females is to be very selective in mating with males that have ample resources to raise young, physical prowess and dominance for protection, and hearty genes to be passed to young. Males, who will increase their genetic productivity by mating with as many females as will have them, will be non-discriminating. The imbalance of reproductive costs points to humans as being mildly polygynous, and certainly not naturally (that is to say, biologically inclined toward) monogamy. In the animal kingdom, there is ample evidence that most species, even those thought to be monogamous, engage in extra-pair copulations under certain circumstances. This phenomenon has even been noted in many types of birds, once thought to be the poster children of monogamous fidelity, as first cited by David Lack in 1972. One example is the osprey; also know as fish hawks, whose females will mate on the sly with other males in return for food when their mates don’t bring home salmon. Or barn swallows, whose females will have “affairs” with males who have deeply forked tails, which is a sexually desirable trait in male swallows, and thereby ensure long-term reproductive fitness through producing more attractive offspring.


 Mom, what is a biological tendency?
It seems that males invariably want more females than they can afford, or they want desirable females who are already mated to somebody else, and females want sex with males other than their mates, even at great personal risk, if the potential gain is sufficient. But, to say our biology favors a degree of polygyny is not to say that humans throughout history have been polygynous. In fact, only a few well-positioned males (that have enough resources and power to protect and raise many offspring, and fight off competition) could succeed at polygyny, and only a few attractive females (possessing the markers of youth and fertility) would be selected. Therefore, biologists have often called monogamy a strategy for the humble.  Monogamy is a mate-bonding pattern in which enduring bonds are formed between one male and one female. Monogamy is thought to have developed in those mammalian species in which each female could raise more fit young if she had undivided help.


Can I have a monogamy of my very own?
This brings me to my final consideration: Why do we strive for Monogamy in a culture where there are no environmental pressures that make it an arrangement of convenience? Why do we strive for monogamy when parenthood can be planned, is a choice, and not the sole purpose of life? Why do we strive for monogamy when we have a myriad biological tendencies that would like to see us copulate indiscriminately, in the case of males, and opportunistically, in the case of females? Barash and Lipton (whom I have paraphrased in this post) summarized it better than I ever could:

“ People are not condemned to be nothing more than genetic catapults, fleshy means by which DNA makes copies of itself. Harnessed to conscious human understanding and directed toward particular goals, understanding our biological selves can make a “miracle”- something of transcendence, harmony, and great beauty, nothing literally supernatural, but rather something memorable in which nature, with human help, surpasses it’s apparent limitations. To the technologically naive, an airplane is a miracle, at least in part, because a heavy, flying, man-made object is so profoundly “unnatural”. But airplanes work, and wonderfully well, in large part because they take gravity into account.” 

 In the case of society as it stands today, in the West at least, monogamy is most definitely like the airplane. It may not be natural, but it is how we travel further in our human potential than we have ever gone before. When we are not expending large amounts of energy constantly trying to mate, we can transcend our biological inclinations, and enter the realms of self-actualization, social cooperation, and enlightenment. To me, the mundane human experience of mere competition and survival that is offered by a purely biological outlook is nothing more that trying to fill an endless void. More, more, more; that is all your animal brain is concerned with. But conversely, in order for monogamy to fly, we must take biology into account.


Thanks! I will love it, and hug it, and feed it, and pet it...
 For some, monogamy is about mastery and control, for others about understanding and transcendence, and yet for others it is a moral endeavor. But lest we forget, it is also highly adaptive in a time of rampant sexually transmitted infections and overpopulation. If the mind is the next frontier, then our biological tendencies are the terrain we must understand to be able to delve more deeply into who we are, where we come from, and who we answer to. The most important aspect of humanity is that despite being an animal, we are so much more than that. Humans are the only animals that are not content with mere survival, and thus, using animal research to understand human sexuality will never be sufficient. Doing what comes naturally doesn’t always apply to us, since we find many "unnatural" things desirable and rewarding. Mastering a musical instrument, for example, takes time, energy, and effort, especially if it is to be done well.  If protracted monogamy is rare, so are good musicians. But both can be beautiful, as well as achievable. And monogamy doesn’t require talent, or perfect pitch. It requires knowledge, determination, and a belief that “A man’s reach should exceed his grasp”.

 References:

Barash D.P., Lipton, J.E. (2009). Strange Bedfellows: The Surprising Connection Between Sex, Evolution, and Monogamy. Bellevue Literary Press: New York

the short.end.

Evolution and "human nature"...

In evolutionary psychology there is a concept known as “reproductively relevant currencies”, which is a scholarly way of saying that all heterosexual relationships use some form of exchange along the lines of resources in exchange for sex/reproduction and visa versa.  This could range from anything as simple as a dinner date where the man pays in hopes of winning favor with a female, or as explicit as sex workers providing sexual services for money. It is an exchange as old as the dawn of time, and can even be seen happening in chimpanzees. Thus, women have the world’s oldest “commodity” of sex/reproductive capacities that they exchange for resources like time (care), physical protection, and of course, money. (Read more on this topic here )

Women’s sexual "commodity" today…

“Sexuality is a life force.  Yet we live in a culture where this element of our lives is either repressed or exploited.  Television screens allow our children to watch countless murders and crime shows but censor any scenes that involve nudity or lovemaking.  Hard work and upward mobility are stressed (and stressful), while those who engage in simple pleasures are called lazy, weak, or self-indulgent.  Still the need for pleasure pushes onward, and people instead seek negative outlets in the form of alcohol and drugs, sexual addiction, violence, rape, and crude pornography, while millions of dollars play on the repressed sexuality in all of us.  When something vital and natural is taken away, the resulting gap can be used as an implement for control.  What’s taken away is then sold back to us, piecemeal, and we are less than whole because of it.” – Anodea Judith

The problem that women face today (and have in the past) is the regulation and exploitation of their sexuality by a male-dominated society. Women’s sexuality is governed by social values and norms that force them into the role of either a whore; that exploits her sexuality, or a virgin; that has no capacity for being sexual. Through mainstream media and culture we learn to objectify ourselves and see ourselves through the lens of the male gaze. Our sexuality is either exploited and sold for profit as with advertising, or we have our insecurities leverage against us so that, in the words of Margaret Chow: “We buy a $200 turn-around cream that doesn’t turn around shit!”. We also have our sexuality supervised and controlled by double standard that leave women being called “sluts” and “whores” not only by men, but other women too.  Are we profiting from our sexuality? Is your investment of time and energy in your feminine appearance giving good returns?

How the exchange works today…

 Assuming that you believe men “can’t help” objectifying women, then you must conversely believe that woman have an equal uncontrollable urge to secure resources from men. Because, in reality, these two “tendencies” developed in tandem, many millions of years ago. There could not be one without the other. Yet interestingly our society has it arranged so that men are able to objectify, ogle at, and “visually consume” as much female sexuality as they want, sometimes without the woman directly profiting from the exchange. The sad reason for that is that women often serve themselves up to be objectified by males without securing any resources from the male. In the cases where the woman does directly profit; whether it be “gold-digging”, stripping, or prostitution, it is a seedy business. Women do not get respect or are considered politically powerful if they are a prostitutes, strippers, or even models. Profiting from our sexuality is mostly demonized in our culture, and so I just can’t bring myself to believe that it is a form of “women’s lib”. On the other hand, men are free to watch porn, go to the strippers, and openly ogle any women within their line of sight. It is getting more common for men to behave however they want sexually in the name of “human nature”.

Monogamy for women; “human nature” for men…

Feminism, and women’s empowerment has been the driving force behind women no longer going purely after a man’s resources. Some women aren’t (or else do not openly admit) only looking for a wealthy partner. They want a lifelong friend and companion that share their interests, hopes, and dreams. Many women such as myself have weighed the pros and cons, and decided that in the noble fight for equality we will not succumb to the temptation of gold-digging, even though it is “human nature” for women to trade sex for money. We support ourselves; we pay for our own meals; and we insist on equality, with the implicit understanding that our partners will do the same. And so we enter into a monogamous relationship with the understanding that we will not exploit our sexuality to gain resources from another male. (I expect I would be in a great deal of trouble from my partner if I flashed a stranger in exchange for a nice meal, or if I stripped down and danced for a man in exchange for some money.) Yet we are met, over and over, with a glaring double standard: that your man is happy not to pay for your “wares”, thereby waiving the cover charge of your establishment, but more that happy to spend his resources (mental energy, sperm, time, and sometimes money) elsewhere at the same time. “Monogamous” men that dedicate any of their resources to other women; whether it be a waitress, a strip club, or pornography, is not adhering to the implicit agreement of monogamy. Often it is because they will argue that they don’t mind if you do the same (i.e. watch porn, or go to the strippers), but the truth is that it is not the same exchange. Remember: men buy sex; women sell it. We have no need or desire to pay for any sort of sex, we have more than enough offers as it is. It would be more fair if men thought it is fine for us to profit from our sexuality by being in porn, or stripping.

Pick a side, and have both people play on it…

Again, men that argue that it is human nature to dedicate any of their mental or physical resources to other women, should then have no problem accepting that it is human nature for women to want money in exchange for their sexuality. So either the man should start paying his mate for her being sexually available to him, or she should be able to get some money or other resources from other males. If that doesn’t “sit right” with both parties, then both parties have to agree to be truly and equally monogamous. Either way, equality cannot exist in a relationship where women are constantly getting the short end of the stick concerning the exchange of reproductively relevant currencies.

seasons.change

Spring is the season of my body. I want to stretch and move and shake off the cobwebs of the long winter. My blood becomes electric as my nose fills with the scent of warming air and new green vegetation. My eyes see the world as if for the first time. 

Summer is the season of my heart. My love of life deepens, my joys are celebrated, and my memories are made. The sun warms my skin and bones and blood. I smile at the easiness of life, and languish as if I have all the time in the world.

But Fall is the season of my soul. The sun is still shining, but the crisp air is undeniable. Every day is peaceful and quiet like a Sunday afternoon. The silence is audible, as if the whole hemisphere is settling in for a nap on this cold afternoon. I take a deep breath and lean into the cool embrace.

 The buzzing of summer excitement is over, and now is a time for renewal and rest, for nurturing and contemplation, for standing still and looking. This is the season that shifts my gaze inward, and as the green of the earth slowly starts to freeze; the lush landscapes of my spirit start to grow.

city.dawn.ing

The City looks like a jewel box, shrouded in a mystery only night can afford it.
Floating streams of sparkling jewels, red one way, and white the other. Jewels that twinkle and move, those that encrust entire buildings, and the sky in hues of sapphire, amethyst, and ruby. The sky lightens, and the lustre fades; and as the sparkling stops, the falsely embellished concrete is revealed. My wonderland fades away. The jewel box is closed.
My window always tells a magic story, but there will be magic only when I choose to see it.

word.and.deed

The Tilt Of Our World View...

Language informs our thinking, not the other way around. Once that notion has settled in, I propose we take a hard look at the language that we use to often describe life. I, for one, have been inundated with messages of life’s “journey”. Why do we conceptualize life as a road?  As long drive, with stops- marriage, baby, promotion, house- along the way like a cross-country trip? I think it is possibly the biggest fallacy of our time. The message is subtle, but the cumulative effect is seen in our every action. We are always striving toward some unknown destination. We see ourselves as either moving forward, or backward. We will either “make it” or not. Since I can remember, I have been taught that life is a linear event, but the more I experience life on my own, I see the fault in that assumption. Life is circular. 

Life is a cycle of endless waves of prosperity and suffering, of light and dark, of hope and disillusionment. Life is continual, complex, and multidirectional, and there is no simple notion of forward and backward to monitor our progress. We live the illusion that we are always moving forward on our life path, when in reality the forward motion is a ruse; much like running on a treadmill. I believe that we learn the same lessons over and over, but gain new complexity each time.

Much like a pendulum that swings from one extreme to the other, we are constantly on the ride of life, trying to balance the two polarities in all things: Justice and Mercy. Any decision we make tries to balance these two concepts: Justice taking the side of the larger idealistic worldview, and Mercy favoring the individual’s motivations. Our free will come in to bridge these two concepts, and like the Mad Hatter we run back and forth on this bridge carrying the weight of justification between the two polarities, trying to find the balance: Disciple vs. Enjoyment; Self Love vs. Universal Love; Me vs. You.

We do not gain happiness from moving forward and reaching a goal. We gain happiness in the moments when everything is in its right place and for a second we have stopped running back and forth. The times we are doing what we really love, and there is a calm within us, because for a second, we do not want anything more than to be where we are. We are not grasping, nor are we evading. We do not realize the difference between doing what we love, and working hard so that we may reach happiness one day in the future. Happiness is like a butterfly: try to keep it in a glass jar, and it will perish. But fall asleep in the garden and you will wake up to butterflies flying all around.

“Every moment is a lifetime in miniature”. If right now you are not living life how you want, then soon you will find that it has been the case for years, or even decades. We mistakenly chase life, never realizing that our destiny is with us all the time in the form of our inherent talents and inclinations, and by constantly moving we are running away from our best life. The moment when we can erode our ego and our belief about what we should be doing, and really give in to who we are, is the moment where true brilliance of our uniqueness surfaces. 

Success does not bring happiness; doing what you love brings happiness. And doing what you love will bring the sweetest success as you tap into an infinite source of motivation. It takes conviction to stand up against the people that are endlessly running toward and away. To refuse to succumb to the notion that your function is only to be productive, to work and not play, and that there is not enough so you must grasp, and hoard, and collect; that you must capture a butterfly, and hold on to it until it dies, and then go and capture one more. Instead find the thing that you could do for hours without getting tired, and do it! That is your destiny, waiting patiently for you to slow down and give it the time of day.

Inspiration for this post:
Steve Jobs: How to live before you die
Martha Beck: Attachment and Anxiety

hello.you

Your Higher Self Sends Her Regards...
I read an article this morning that reminded me of a phenomenon that cannot be understated. It is the "fake it until you make it" approach. We have all heard the wisdom to smile even though we are sad, and that the very action of raising the corners of our mouths will elevate our mood. I know that it works, but where my life is concerned, I am trying to exact greater change than a momentary boost in mood. Can I fake being more organized? Can I act like I go on adventures all the time, and eventually they will find me? Can I pretend like I know what I want to do with my life, and my purpose will appear? How does one go about pretending to live in Europe, while having a job that is a (as yet undefined) mix of creative expression and psychology where you are your own boss? Obviously there needs to be some tweaking to the "fake it until you make it" approach so that it can work for bigger picture goals.

Meet your Higher Self
I attended a workshop on Cultivating Intuition a while ago where we were asked to visualize meeting our higher selves. It was a bit of a funny thing trying to envision my higher self, and I ended up with something of an angel-come-fairygodmother wearing a white robe and flowers in her hair. I think she even had blue eyes and red hair, or maybe I'm getting her confused with the Mother Nature woman from the Motts Tomato Juice adds? Anyhow, I obviously didn't understand the exercise at the time because there was nothing "me" about my higher self. Since then I have figured out what a "higher self" actually is, and as usual it is some mix of psychology and new age (or old, depending how you look at it) wisdom. Your higher self is simply that person that you wish you could be. I imagine myself, but only more stylish, fit, and a career woman that is happy, healthy, in a loving relationship. In this fantasy I also have no body hair, live in a mansion, and have perfect skin and nails, but I digress... The point is that your higher self literally is the person you would be if you had no limitations. Take a second and think about what that would look like. Get really into it, picturing every detail of what you would look like, what you would do with your time, where you would hang out, and with who. That is your higher self, and I'm sure s/he is delighted to meet you.

The point of this is that, everyone has an ideal self, but knowing what that is and moving towards it, is very different. Self esteem, in psychological terms, is (loosely) measured as the difference between your assessment of your real self, and how far that is from your ideal self. The bigger the gap, the lower your self esteem.

Real self <-------(bigger gap= lower self esteem)-----------------> Ideal self

Funny enough, higher self esteem is not achieved when the gap is narrowed. It is achieved whenever you move toward your goals.** Human nature is such that we will never stop wanting better circumstances. If we stopped having a reason to get out of bed in the morning, the species would die off. As we reach a goal, the goal post shifts so that we want something different, or better. Some people find this depressing, but I urge you to really think about it. Imagine you have a magic box that you open every day to find the best chocolate in the world. And every day that chocolate gets better and better. Would that not be more satisfying than having the same chocolate every day, even if it is the best? If I one day find myself living the exact life I now imagine, the heavens are not going to open up with choirs of cherubs singing Hallelujah. I will, at that point, want different things. It also won't mean that I will have a low self esteem until I one day have my dream life.

High self esteem is a result of MOVING TOWARD your best self, and NOT MOVING is what causes low self esteem.

                             Your Higher Self
What Would Jesus^ Do?

Your Higher Self can now become your best friend. I mean, you guys are bound to get along. S/he will always be there for you, and have your best interest at heart. So next time you feel stuck in your life, imagine your higher self, and see if there is one thing you can do to move in that direction. I obviously cannot (to my knowledge) invent a job right now that mixes psychology with some sort of creative outlet, but I can and did, start a blog which does exactly that. Although I don't see clearly how or when blogging will translate into living hair-free in a mansion in Europe, I do know that it is a step closer to my higher self, and I know it because it feels good and I love doing it. You will know you are on the right track with an action when it feels good (not easy, but good) because it means what you are doing is boosting your self esteem. I go to my higher self often for help, whenever I feel stuck in my life or need inspiration. When I feel tired and listless and I consider lying around in my pyjamas all day watching Mad Men, I mentally go and visit my Higher Self to see what she is doing on her day off. Of course that bitch has already gone for a run, and now she is happily skipping her tight little hair-free body all around town while looking fabulous and happy. Urgh, fine! I am going to go for a run now, then I will put on an outfit that is not sweatpants or pyjamas, and go do something constructive. I might even shave my legs.


** I have recently wrote about how life is not a road race, and I want to reiterate that here. When I say we should move toward our goals, I mean that we should do the things that truly make us happy and that we value. The "goalposts" will always shift because, like I mentioned in my other post, life really is not a straight road, it is more circular. Once you have that promotion, you will want better health, and once you focus on health you will want to improve your relationship. And once your relationship is going well you will realize that you have stagnated at work and start working toward your next promotion. This cycle will play itself out over and over again. We will always want things, because as I stated earlier, it is an essential part of being alive. But it is important to want things that align with who you really are, even if you see no way how your interest in, say, mouse taxidermy or doll collecting will be of use later. If writing this blog has taught me one thing, it is that when you do what you love, doing it is reward enough. I have faith that the rest will come, and so should you.

once.upon.a.time

I am convinced that when the Universe was born, all matter was split into tiny pieces, to be scattered across the expanse of forever. In that instant there was one particle in particular that was split into two. These two halves have travelled across the universe, across the space-time continuum, and ended up in you and me. That is why it feels like we come from the same far away place, and why you can guide me home when I am lost. That is why when you speak to me about life, and love, and faith, it sounds like a truth that I have known all along.

portrait.

Katie

shut.up.and.listen

Entitlement and the Lost Art of Conversation…
It is hard for me to know for sure what has led to the decline of good conversations in our society. And as a mere 23 years on this earth is pitifully insufficient for me to know for sure if there, in fact, has been a decline, I do imagine a time where people where perhaps a little more satisfied. 

The problem with conversation these days is that people think it is too much effort. They have not honed their skills, and so they have nothing to talk about except themselves, their accomplishments, or to tell silly little stories that are only relevant to them and perhaps one other person in the room. We are losing an essential skill, and our social interactions have become less satisfying and more full of distractions like alcohol, loud music, TV, food, and, cellphones. The conversation of yesteryear has spawned offspring born in the digital age of less face-to-face time, less eye contact, and 10 bits per second of flashing imagery waiting to steal our attention. These grotesque lovechildren are forms of selfish conversation that have overrun our social interactions. Here is my opinion on three of the brattiest conversations and how to abort them:

1) The Pissing Contest:

Many people make the mistake of meeting a statement with another statement. This form of conversation is very common in some circles, and I am going to venture a very unscientific guess that perhaps it is more common for males than females. It is the type of conversation where people talk at each other, with no flow, integration of information or thoughtful reply.

“ I just bought a 42 inch flat screen.”

“Yeah I have one of those”

“I’m picking it up Saturday”

“I got mine delivered”

“Well you don’t have a truck so you had to”

“Get the Bose sound system, it’s the best”

“Yeah I’ll wait for a new model to come out”

“Yeah I’m going to upgrade mine too.”

 

You might laugh, but everyone has taken part in a conversation like this. Substitute the word TV for Child, House, Travel, or Career, and you will realize how common this type of conversation is. We often talk AT each other, and never bother to really integrate the information, ask leading questions, and “get into it” with someone.  We think by asserting ourselves we will feel satisfied in the conversation, but really it is equally unsatisfying for both parties because in this style of conversing there is no hope of enlightenment, problem solving, or even enjoyment.

 The Fix:

Next time someone reveals a useless fact about themselves, ask leading questions until you find something you are truly interested in hearing about.

 “I just bought a 42 inch flatscreen”

‘That’s cool, what are you favourite TV shows?”

“I love to watch CSI”

“Really, why is that?”

“Well, I am actually going to school for forensics”

“Wow, that’s so neat. Can you really tell how a person died by the blood splatter pattern?”

“Well actually…”

Now you have given birth to a truly meaningful conversation. Congratulations, it’s a boy!

2) The Fat Kid on the Seesaw

Lets hope that your new conversation skills haven’t turned your talking points into a one sided conversation, because unfortunately the other big problem with the lost art of conversation is that people forget that it is a delicate balance of give and take.  Once you start asking about a person you might find that they are a little too willing to keep talking about themselves endlessly. This is likely to due to the fact that we have so many unsatisfying conversations, that when a person finally feels like someone really cares, they cannot close the floodgates. And we all know from our own playground days how unsatisfying an imbalanced conversation can be, as we are left feeling like a 5 year old stuck teetering on the top of the Seesaw with a fat kid.

The Fix:

Unfortunately it is impossible to balance out this type of conversation. People are extremely unaware of how uninteresting they can be sometimes, because to themselves, they are of course the most fascinating person in the world. You cannot fix the problem by trying to talk about yourself in equal part, because then you are back to having a Pissing Contest instead of a conversation. The best way to deal with this conversation is to get off of the Seesaw, without hurting the fat kid’s feelings.  In a social setting like a party, it means simply excusing yourself as soon as you get the opportunity. It might sting a little, but will be a great learning experience for the other person. In a one-on-one conversation where there is no escape, it will be harder. You will have to politely but assertively steer the conversation away from that person, and hope that they get the hint. Don’t start talking about yourself because that just sends the message that you felt like it’s “your turn” and establishes a relationship with a whole other set of issues. If you know this problem comes up often with a certain person, where you are always listening, and they are talking, think of topics ahead of time that both of you are interested in.  Bring them up when you feel like the conversation has lost its balance. The key solution here is common ground, and hopefully you can subtly show the other person what a balanced conversation looks like. If it is a close friend, you might just have to toughen up and tell the person how you feel.

 3) The Monologue

This is by far the hardest issue to deal with. Far beyond the fat kid, a person who talks endlessly about themselves, whether you ask questions or not, is impossible to remedy from a listener’s perspective. We have all been guilty of talking for the sake of making noise, or of getting so caught up in our own issues and inner dialogue that we totally lose track of how many words we have imparted on listening (or half-listening) ears. The problem with this type of talking is that it is EXTREMELY satisfying for the person talking, and so they are reinforced to keep doing it. From the perspective of the listener, we are so shocked that a person has such little awareness of their surroundings that they don’t realize we are bored, or that they have done 90% of the talking for the last hour, that we are at a loss for what to do. Also, if you started out by being a good listener and giving verbal and non-verbal cues that encourage talking, you might feel like it is your fault the person is still talking but that you cannot withdraw your listening half way. But being a good listener shouldn’t be punishment for you. Performing a monologue is something that everyone is guilty of, and at the point that you are doing it you are too consumed with your own thoughts to realize the imbalance, but it is important for you now, while you are of clear mind, to ask yourself when you have been guilty of doing it. Recognizing the times we do it is essential, so that we can stop the behavior ourselves, because at the time you are performing your monologue, it is very unlikely (unless the listener gets up and walks away in the middle of your sentence) that you are picking up the signals that the listener is giving to show that enough is enough. 

The Fix:

Think first about a time when you had to listen to someone talk endlessly about themselves and their issues without giving you a chance to give any advice, or to balance the conversation by offering another perspective. You are doing this for two reasons: First, so that you can feel what it feels like to be the listener in that situation, but secondly because if it is hard for you to think of an instance where that has happened to you, it might mean that you are always the one that is talking.

Now that you have honestly evaluated your role you can think about what triggered that behavior in yourself and how to be more conscious of the listener. Is it that you have been starved of conversation and needed someone to listen, or that you really needed to soundboard a problem to be able to sort it out in your head? In that case, simply recognizing ahead of time that you will need to perform a monologue is helpful, because you can tell your listener ahead of time that you will need to be talking for a while. The listener can then give you their full attention because both of you are aware of the imbalance, and an agreement has been made. Women will often call up a friend to talk about a specific issue, and that strengthens the relationship for both people, but beware of time that is supposed to be spent hanging out, chatting, or catching up, where there should be a balanced give and take of information on a topic of interest to both people, and not making the conversation about you or your life. When people get together to hang out, it should be rewarding for both people, and if both people are not getting fulfilled then the friendship cannot sustain itself. Ask yourself what your expectations are, and think about what the other person’s expectations are. If you think yours might be different, then state what you need from the interaction, whether it be time to talk about your issues, or time to just relax and laugh.

If you find that you perform monologues often in social situations like group discussions or parties, you might be doing it because of nerves. Being social and talking in front of people can be hard sometimes, and it is a fine balance between contributing to the group dynamic, or taking over the conversation. Luckily this is an easy fix: THE #1 RULE IS TO NEVER TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. In a group situation it is harder to find common ground for conversation, but talking about yourself is probably the least common of common ground so it should be avoided unless someone pointedly asks something about you. General statements or anecdotes are fine, but if a conversation as all about you and no one else can contribute, then not only will it be bad conversation, but people will resent you for being self centered. This doesn’t mean that you need to be a wallflower, but it means you need to be fully present in a conversation so that you can actively participate in broad topics of conversation related to many things.

 I wish we could keep what is great about 2011, but go back to the Jane Austen days when we did not eat in front of the TV, or in our cars, or at our office desks. When we conducted ourselves as ladies and gentleman, and conversation was a fine art that was engaged in with care, compassion, and mindfulness. Nowadays it seems like conversation, like eating, is just another stimulus vying for our attention as we try to cram more and more into every second of our experience. And of course the paradox is that we end up with less. Less satisfying relationships, less satisfying meals, less time spent in awe of the world, and more time spent with eyes glazed over.

summer sun.burn

In the heat of a sticky summer day

when the world is closing in

the spring and rain is far away

and everything suddenly feels

a little too quiet

a little too warm

and limp

from too much sunny languishing

you are here

always

cooling fires of doubt

about time

about life

about my own misgivings

I feel like my core is heating up

ready to burn everyone

before exploding

and scattering a million pieces of me

all over the world
for people to pick up and bring back home

or not

bother to pick them up at all

but you are here

through all of it

you stay watching

and waiting

holding me

giving my fear

wise words

and time to realize
that while I am sometimes so lost

I haven’t moved from

out of your arms.

The War on Women's Bodies.wmv

texture

me.and.you.

we roll 

and tumble 

through life's long winter

and roast in summer

in front of camp fires

and lay in bed 

and wait for dusk

and start to travel

and skip to the beat

and follow our hearts

and jest about sorrows

and stop for a moment

to kiss under a bridge

...Luxury reigns in rich simplicity...

the park..

park bench

Sky meets bridge

reflection

tree alley

destiny.and.desire

What do you want to do with the time you are given?
This question is important to many people, at many times in their life. It might be that you find yourself with the afternoon free, or that you are suddenly on vacation and have an uneasy feeling about how to fill your time without work, TV, or Facebook. Or maybe you are at a crossroads in your life, where you don't feel quite satisfied and you are looking for the next step to take. If you have ever wondered "Is this it?"  then read on!

Both a perceived lack of options, and an overwhelming number of options, can lead to a sort of psychological paralysis, or autopilot. So when you get a feeling of being stuck, bored, or directionless, here is an exercise I've been using lately to get me moving in the direction of my best life. I t is a combination of techniques I have read about that I decided to recombine in a way that works for me. By using your Emotional Guidance System to bring more of what you love into your life in new and unexpected ways, you will be taking a creative first step in finding activities that are fulfilling, and will guide you in the direction of your hopes and dreams, even if you don't know what they are yet!

Step 1: Make a list of 10 or more things that you LOVE in life. It can be anything that makes you happy every time, without fail. Try to be specific. For example: don't say money, because really money is nothing but coloured paper. What would you DO with your money? Would you travel? To a beach? What do you like about the beach? The tranquil blue ocean? What feeling do you feel when you think of the ocean? Tranquility and peace? There you go! Now you have a pure love FEELING, and you can write that down. Or maybe you love fashion, but what about it? The creation? The concept of wearable art? Or do you like the acquisition of it and the status? If it is status, what feeling does that give you? Specialness? Power? Fame? Deconstruct every item so that you get to the bottom of what it is you really love and write down the FEELING it gives you. Be honest, if status or power or fame is important to you don't feel inhibited, it is important to get to the bottom of what it is you are pursuing, and denial is the sworn enemy of self discovery. Use one item at a time and brainstorm words and associations until you get to the bottom of the feeling/s you get from that thing.

Eg: Travel

• The excitement of getting up early and being at the airport with friends - adventure,excitement
• Landing and it smells different- rapture, creativity
• Seeing awesome monuments and buildings, and sights- beauty, rapture, creativity
• Connection to other people that are so different but the same- love, fun, beauty
• Staying in hotels- decadence, fun, beauty

Step 2: You will end up with a list of feelings, but you might have quite a few that are the same. Maybe you had two or three feeling words to describe one thing. That's all fine. When I did my whole list of things I loved, a lot of things I loved turned out to bring me feelings of Love, Beauty, and Creativity. Those three things are very important to me, and almost everything I want to be, do, or have revolve around those three things. Some other feelings that came up are Adventure, Fun, Decadence, and Rapture.

Step 3: Review your list. I listed all of the feelings that seemed prominent and looked them over, and tried to find evidence in my life that I really am happiest when these feelings are around. There were a few that didn't fit, and some that I am still struggling to find the right feeling word for. But I am at a point where I am now fairly happy with my list. When your list is done, I would suggest printing it out, and posting it somewhere you can always see it. You can call this list your Core Values.

Step 4: "We don't want things, we want feelings!" Now that you have your list, I guess I have to tell you why you went through the trouble of analyzing your love for cupcakes and sports cars. Well, it's simple really, people often go after things in life : partner, car, house, career, crack cocaine. But what you are really after is the feeling that those things will bring you: Love, acceptance, security, shelter, prestige, happiness. Unfortunately humans are notoriously bad at knowing what will REALLY bring them the right feelings they want. They want love and acceptance, so they buy a sports car or have a teen pregnancy. They want happiness, so they polish off a box of double chocolate chunk cookies, or buy yet another piece of clothing. We see it over and over, at least in others if not in ourselves! So by knowing what feelings predominantly drive you, you can start to chase after those pure feelings, and thereby discover things that will truly bring you your best life.

For example; I used to spend ALL of my money on clothes. And as I bought them, I would imagine making really unique outfits and wearing them to some great outing; a party, or drinks with girlfriends, or shopping. And with that feeling in mind, I would buy yet another bundle of fabric. When I wrote clothes on my list of things I loved and tried to get to the bottom of it, I realized that what I really loved was putting outfits together (creativity, and beauty) and being out and about at nice places with friends (fun, adventure, decadence) and that buying more clothes isn't a good, lasting way to get those feelings. So instead I went after the feelings I wrote down: I found more hobbies that bring creativity and beauty into my life, I started making cool outfits with the items I already have (creativity works best within constraints), and I had more money to actually go out with friends to nice places!

Step 5: Choose only activities, people, things, and places that align with your Core Values. Think of these values as a compass that is always pointing to your true North.  When you feel stuck, whether it is a choice of how to spend your afternoon, or what to study, or who to love, you can use this list to make sure you are guiding yourself toward your best life, and not just doing things the way you have always been doing them. (Because we all know that it is insane to do the same things but expect different results!)

So by doing this exercise (and feel free to re-do your list as often as you like) you will be able to tease out the true feelings that bring you joy in life, from the things you do now because you think they will bring joy. From there you can start to explore new interests that align with your Core Values, and not with what you think you should do, be, or have.

my love

a rainy day

emmett

u&me

.envy.

I envy the wind's caresses across your skin,
and the way she tries to lift the hem of your shirt

I envy the sun that kisses the back of your neck,
and how your skin blushes in response to her heat

I envy the way summer makes you sweat,
but I envy most the cool water that licks clean your skin.

When I am not with you, I envy that summer day.

Fire in Freetown - K'naan

Satire at its best!

An amazing magazine cover created by Mallory for my Woman's Studies Class. Yes, I did LMAO, and you will too!

A life as a blog...

Creating this blog has me thinking about PASSION, and how the people I know put their love into this world. It started when I was reading a friend Julia's blog and found it not only inspirational, but the most astonishing self portrait of who she really is. I started musing on what my friends would put in their blogs, what they would be called, and how they would look. A blog really is a chance to express who you are. A kind of faceless psychological dress-up doll that expresses your loves and interests and opinions. A blog is a space to express your passions, and to show the world who you are.

I imagine Mary's would be mostly about fashion and travel, and include some delicious recipes. Perhaps her blog would have a yellow and black colour theme,because the likes penguins, and because that seems to be the two sides of her personality; practicality and realism always tugging at her sunny creativity and love of beauty. Would she call it Eat, Shop, Travel?

Rachel's I imagine would have a background of light green and turquoise, maybe with a little hot pink thrown in for good measure. She would blog about natural skincare, about the events she is attending in Calgary (and that everyone should join), and talk about all the great business owners and their great independent businesses. There would be tons of pictures of her friends and family, and reading it will make you feel like family too.

Chris would have a blog that was as complex as he is. Some posts on food, some on music, some on spirituality and philosophy, travel and art, photography and media. The colours would be muted but strong, like a black and white polaroid photo. Every post would be different, and reading his blog would be like peeling back the layers of an onion.

A blog is a window to the soul, and it is endlessly fascinating to think how each person's would look. Appearances are often so deceiving, and I know I am not the only person that longs to know the person behind a face. What would your blog look like?