This question is important to many people, at many times in their life. It might be that you find yourself with the afternoon free, or that you are suddenly on vacation and have an uneasy feeling about how to fill your time without work, TV, or Facebook. Or maybe you are at a crossroads in your life, where you don't feel quite satisfied and you are looking for the next step to take. If you have ever wondered "Is this it?" then read on!
Both a perceived lack of options, and an overwhelming number of options, can lead to a sort of psychological paralysis, or autopilot. So when you get a feeling of being stuck, bored, or directionless, here is an exercise I've been using lately to get me moving in the direction of my best life. I t is a combination of techniques I have read about that I decided to recombine in a way that works for me. By using your Emotional Guidance System to bring more of what you love into your life in new and unexpected ways, you will be taking a creative first step in finding activities that are fulfilling, and will guide you in the direction of your hopes and dreams, even if you don't know what they are yet!
Step 1: Make a list of 10 or more things that you LOVE in life. It can be anything that makes you happy every time, without fail. Try to be specific. For example: don't say money, because really money is nothing but coloured paper. What would you DO with your money? Would you travel? To a beach? What do you like about the beach? The tranquil blue ocean? What feeling do you feel when you think of the ocean? Tranquility and peace? There you go! Now you have a pure love FEELING, and you can write that down. Or maybe you love fashion, but what about it? The creation? The concept of wearable art? Or do you like the acquisition of it and the status? If it is status, what feeling does that give you? Specialness? Power? Fame? Deconstruct every item so that you get to the bottom of what it is you really love and write down the FEELING it gives you. Be honest, if status or power or fame is important to you don't feel inhibited, it is important to get to the bottom of what it is you are pursuing, and denial is the sworn enemy of self discovery. Use one item at a time and brainstorm words and associations until you get to the bottom of the feeling/s you get from that thing.
Eg: Travel
- The excitement of getting up early and being at the airport with friends - adventure,excitement
- Landing and it smells different- rapture, creativity
- Seeing awesome monuments and buildings, and sights- beauty, rapture, creativity
- Connection to other people that are so different but the same- love, fun, beauty
- Staying in hotels- decadence, fun, beauty
Step 2: You will end up with a list of feelings, but you might have quite a few that are the same. Maybe you had two or three feeling words to describe one thing. That's all fine. When I did my whole list of things I loved, a lot of things I loved turned out to bring me feelings of Love, Beauty, and Creativity. Those three things are very important to me, and almost everything I want to be, do, or have revolve around those three things. Some other feelings that came up are Adventure, Fun, Decadence, and Rapture.
Step 3: Review your list. I listed all of the feelings that seemed prominent and looked them over, and tried to find evidence in my life that I really am happiest when these feelings are around. There were a few that didn't fit, and some that I am still struggling to find the right feeling word for. But I am at a point where I am now fairly happy with my list. When your list is done, I would suggest printing it out, and posting it somewhere you can always see it. You can call this list your Core Values.
Step 4: "We don't want things, we want feelings!" Now that you have your list, I guess I have to tell you why you went through the trouble of analyzing your love for cupcakes and sports cars. Well, it's simple really, people often go after things in life : partner, car, house, career, crack cocaine. But what you are really after is the feeling that those things will bring you: Love, acceptance, security, shelter, prestige, happiness. Unfortunately humans are notoriously bad at knowing what will REALLY bring them the right feelings they want. They want love and acceptance, so they buy a sports car or have a teen pregnancy. They want happiness, so they polish off a box of double chocolate chunk cookies, or buy yet another piece of clothing. We see it over and over, at least in others if not in ourselves! So by knowing what feelings predominantly drive you, you can start to chase after those pure feelings, and thereby discover things that will truly bring you your best life.
For example; I used to spend ALL of my money on clothes. And as I bought them, I would imagine making really unique outfits and wearing them to some great outing; a party, or drinks with girlfriends, or shopping. And with that feeling in mind, I would buy yet another bundle of fabric. When I wrote clothes on my list of things I loved and tried to get to the bottom of it, I realized that what I really loved was putting outfits together (creativity, and beauty) and being out and about at nice places with friends (fun, adventure, decadence) and that buying more clothes isn't a good, lasting way to get those feelings. So instead I went after the feelings I wrote down: I found more hobbies that bring creativity and beauty into my life, I started making cool outfits with the items I already have (creativity works best within constraints), and I had more money to actually go out with friends to nice places!
Step 5: Choose only activities, people, things, and places that align with your Core Values. Think of these values as a compass that is always pointing to your true North. When you feel stuck, whether it is a choice of how to spend your afternoon, or what to study, or who to love, you can use this list to make sure you are guiding yourself toward your best life, and not just doing things the way you have always been doing them. (Because we all know that it is insane to do the same things but expect different results!)
So by doing this exercise (and feel free to re-do your list as often as you like) you will be able to tease out the true feelings that bring you joy in life, from the things you do now because you think they will bring joy. From there you can start to explore new interests that align with your Core Values, and not with what you think you should do, be, or have.
