mind.your.garden

Growing The Garden Of The Mind:

I recently heard that: “Your mind is like a garden, and just like in a garden: either flowers or weeds will grow. The problem is, that if you do not plant flowers, weeds will sprout up automatically.” This got me thinking about the metaphor of "the garden" when living an intentional life.

It is within the landscape of our minds that we start to create our life, and if we do not start to create deliberately, then old fears, and bad mental habits will create a world for us. So how do we go about mental gardening? Here are some easy tips to grow a fragrant bouquet in your life:

1. WEEDING

You would never undertake a huge design project without some sort of premeditated idea or design. Nor should you haphazardly hack away at your inner landscape without at least an idea of what you want to achieve.  My first rule in design, and life, is to “let the good overcrowd the bad”.  Think about this whenever there is something you wish to change in your life. Instead of trying to rip and tear a bad habit, relationship, or mental pattern from your inner landscape, try instead to “crowd it out” with positive things.

Take, for example, a bad relationship: Yes, you could try to cut a toxic person out of your life. But, as many people have experienced, attachment can be a funny thing. If it where as easy as just not partaking in something bad for us, then the world would be full of perfect people. In the case of a relationship that no longer serves you, there is an easier way than just “ripping off the band aid.” Instead, fill the time you would have spent with that person, doing things for yourself. Cultivate friendships and hobbies; you know, those things that fall at the way side when you start spending all your time with that one person.  Part of the anxiety of letting go of someone is the anxiety of the void that they will leave in your life. Start to fill that void with good things, and all of a sudden, you will feel the organic separation that occurs when two incompatible people simply go their own ways.

 The same goes for bad habits. Instead of keeping your same routine, but cutting out one damaging aspect, try to crowd out the nasty habit with a few new options. If you like eating junk food at night, then commit to having a salad before dinner and snacking on veggies all day. Think of it as currency: for every serving of veggies I eat, I’m allowed one treat. If you want to quit smoking, then start a physical activity like jogging or spin class and allow yourself one cigarette for every 10 minutes of activity.  If you always watch TV, or are on the internet in your free time, commit to journaling for 10 minutes before you turn to your usual distractions, but then indulge guilt free. Your new habits are there to release you from the guilt that your old habit carry. Releasing guilt is an essential step for moving forward with your change.

You will find that your new habits work in a few ways: Firstly, they broaden your self-concept, now making room for a change. If you are now a runner, that becomes less compatible with being a smoker. If you eat healthier, you are no longer just an unhealthy eater. You broaden your self-concept, thus giving you the CHOICE to really change if you want to, because you can now see how the other side feels. At the same time, you have not yet “committed” to quitting your bad habit, which means you can out-grow it organically.  Most people think “just stopping” is the only option, but the fear of failure stops them from even trying. But when you broaden your horizons by adding good habits to your current ones, you will find that the older habits no longer serve you.  In contrast, if you were to just try to cut the habit out, the void that is left will be glaring, and if you do end up falling off the wagon you will just reinforce your identification with that bad habit. 

2. PLANTING SEEDS

You cannot have what you do not know you want!

 Many people live a default life. They take the jobs that they are offered. They date the people that cross their paths. They accept the truths that others tell them, and so their life passes them by, without having made a decision, at all, about how they would like to live.

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” That might be tough to answer, but at least start with something smaller like: “what is your ideal job?” or “what qualities does your ideal mate have?” If you have never sat down and written out, in detail, about the essential features of your life, then you are not daring to live! Many people are scared of disappointment, and so they never ask. This, to me, is so sad. If you ask anyone who has tried this exercise, they will tell you that it works! WHEN YOU GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, IT IS LIKE SETTING A COURSE FOR YOUR SHIP TO SAIL. If you put no other work into your life, at least do this one thing. Yes, it might be years before you reach your destination, but the other option is just to drift aimlessly until you die. So really, what do you have to lose by setting a vision for yourself?

I personally love LISTS! I make a list for everything I want. I title it: "My New Job", or "Summer Body" or "My Relationship" or "My Perfect Partner"or "Me: 2012". I make lists over and over for the same thing...tweaking it as my needs/wants evolve. I write them whenever I get a chance, on anything I can get my hands on. You don't need to keep them, you just need to keep writing them! Write in the present "I have" ,"I live" ,"I do", not "I want/wish/will have" and write positives. Don't say: "I'll lose 10 pounds", instead say "I am fit, healthy, and attractive."

Make sure that you are DETAILED but not specific. This means focussing on feelings or features of what you want, but stay away from naming the exact thing. For instance, instead of saying "I want to lose 10 pounds", or "I want to be skinnier", focus on all the detailed feelings that you want. "I  see the definition in my leg muscles", "I feel full of energy", "Clothes look great on me", "I get compliments on my butt from strangers"...whatever will get you in the feeling place without constraining you. If at any time while making your list you feel stressed/anxious/tight in your body/mental resistance, then try to rephrase that item so that you feel FREEDOM! 

3. TENDING YOUR GARDEN

You should spend as much time in your garden as you can. If you neglect your garden, it will be at the mercy of nature and the elements, and will not turn out the way you would like. Read, learn, nourish yourself, and listen to your body and mind. Rest when you need it; laugh when you need it. Use the vision you set for yourself to guide your action when you start to feel lost again. For example: I was feeling totally hopeless about cultivating friendships. It just felt like hard work, and I had a problem getting close to people. Despite having no faith in the idea of cultivating close friendships with inspiring females, I set out to create a vision for myself nonetheless. Now, all of a sudden, I am spending a lot of time with inspiring woman, and really connecting. Also I have better relationships with my (small) group of current girlfriends, but we have rekindled or redefined our friendship. But, there are also new inspiring people that I want to connect with. I asked…and it was given!

4. LETTING THEM GROW

The Dalai Lama said: “When you plant seeds, you do not sit there and wait for them to grow. You carry on with your life, trusting in the process of nature.”

The same goes for your garden. You can tend it everyday, and ensure optimal conditions for growing, but in the end, you are wasting your life if you just sit there and wait for results. There likely is, in every one of our lives, something that we wished was different. We would maybe even go as far as to say that if this one thing changed, we would be happy. This is the biggest mistake people make. They waste huge chunks of their life waiting for things to change, instead of trusting the process. Ironically, trying to control the speed of change in our lives is the surest way of slowing this down. I don’t know how or why it works like that, but I can GUARANTEE that you are hindering your growth by “pushing it”. You can spend all day chasing butterflies and not catch a single one, but fall asleep in the grass and you will wake up with ten of them sitting all over your clothes.

Happy Gardening!