shadow.dance.

In my introductory Cognitive Psychology class, I learnt that how we see depends largely on contrast. Now this isn't groundbreaking...In fact, you might feel the urge to say: "DUH!" I dare you to take a second to think about this concept though... The only reason we have any sort of perceptual experience of the world is because of contrast: the interplay of opposites! It really is so essential to our existence that I am starting to forgive the University for making me pay untold sums of cash so that I could have that pointed out to me. This contrast shows up in all areas of our life, and the interaction of opposites that creates contrast really is a beautiful dance. We all have a dance of opposites happening inside of us as well: The Shadow dancing in the Light; the Hippie rebelling against the General; the Animal frolicking while the Angel watches from above. I say dance, but admittedly it can feel more like a tug-o-war. To start to understand my inner dance of opposites, I have given these aspects of myself names, and I recommend you try the exercise too.

The Stage Is Set

I suggest you take some time to divide your life into its main parts, and name the opposing characters that are dancing on that stage. Everyone’s list might look a little different. If you are a parent, then that might be a separate stage for you, where you might find “the Protector” and “The Facilitator”. I’m taking a guess here, since I don’t have kids. If you would like to get specific, you could also add an aspect of your life that is featuring prominently for you right now. For me, it is my general work/life balance that is in a state of least satisfaction, so I named the characters in that arena specifically The Hippie and The General. If you are focusing on your relationship, you might want to add your characters there. Here are some of mine:

In General: The Light and The Shadow **be careful of negative connotations

Work/Life/Exercise/Money: The Hippie and The General

Food/Alcohol/Sex: The Animal and The Angel

How to Name Your Characters:

When I first tried to name my characters for my work/life balance situation, I came up with The Stubborn Child and The Critical Mother. Right away though, I realized that it wasn’t sitting right with me. I am putting a negative spin on the names because I am feeling negatively about the situation. Your characters names should be descriptive, but not only negative. They have to be neutral in the sense that you can see how each side adds value to your life. A hippie, for instance, has good qualities about her. She is free-flowing, creative, and inspirational. She is left brain. She is valuable in her own way. A General is analytical, disciplined, and goal-oriented; all good things too. Also, the goal is not the name one character a “good” thing and one a “bad” thing. As you might have guessed, we are going to try to balance and embrace BOTH sides of ourselves, so both characters must add value. 

**This was particularly hard for me when naming my Light side and Shadow Side. Although I am struggling to put a positive spin on the Shadow side, all I know is that I cannot deny it exists. For me, I think it is just our ability to accept life’s “messy or ugly” side. The ability to see the lesson in failure; the cleansing value of grief; the need for destruction in order to rebuild; the value of struggle and pain; the acceptance of loss and death. It is the ability to accept and “sit with” discomfort, instead of trying to run away from it or avoid it. That, to me, is the Shadow side. And I believe that if you always try to avoid discomfort, your shadow side will come out by creating situations for you in which you will be forced to face some level of discomfort or "ugliness".

Who Is Running The Show?

For most of us, one of these characters is more pronounced than the other.  Your typically controlling, Type-A personality has let the General take over. An overeating/overdrinking/over sexing hedonist has let their Animal take control. Conversely, a person that has become so infatuated with spiritual seeking, to the point of denouncing all enjoyment of food, sex, or “basal pleasures” for the purpose of enlightenment may have forsaken their Animal in favor of their Angel. A person that is constantly making decisions that harm others (or themselves) is letting their Shadow run the show.  It can be a fun game to name the opposing characters that play on the stage of each facet of your life. There are far more of these that I could come up with, but these are the big players for me right now.

Once you have named your characters, you will likely be able to identify right away which one shows up more often in a given situation. For instance, I have always thought that my “Light side” shows up more often that not. I am generally a sunny, positive, constructive person, and I shudder at the thought of cruelty, mean-spiritedness, or even gratuitous “darkness”. I don't hold grudges and I can honestly say I have never hated anyone. I also don't like scary/violent/or too sad or depressing movies. I am almost Shadow-phobic! Yet, I know that if I don’t give my Shadow some “stage time” it will seep into other areas of my life. The Shadow, even though it is hard to pin down conceptually, is that feeling of unease or boredom that creeps in when everything seems to be smooth sailing. It is the urge to “rock the boat” or to make a bad decision. For me, my shadow side usually means I start to sabotage my life or my relationships. It may mean I revisit a bad habit I thought I had left behind, or engage people or activities that I know aren't a "good idea". Your shadow side creates problems where none existed before, and it is a manifestation of the unwillingness to face the discomfort or ugliness in life head on, and without judgment.

Make Them Get Along:

The key to making your two opposing characters get along, it to stand back and take the view of the observer. Instead of wanting to control which character SHOULD come out to play, notice which one WANTS to come out and try not to judge it. Ask yourself if you might just have one of the two characters that is overdeveloped, while the other one has atrophied. Or is one scared to come out? Is one character not getting enough stage time, and now is demanding your attention by “showing up” at inconvenient times? Really PERSONIFY these characters! Get into their headspace: how they think, and what they feel. You might be surprised what comes up when you give them a voice.

Once you have gotten to know your characters, it's time to do some marriage councelling! These two opposites need to get along, so it is best you clear the air about their place "on the stage" (in your life). When you have some hunches about how the characters in your life come out to play, you can practice re-writing you script about these guys. Here is a quick few I did this morning:

OLD BELIEF: Being a practical, goal-oriented, and high-performing person will make me an emotionless robot that is not free flowing and creative, and I’d rather die than lose that side of myself.

NEW BELIEF:

Being practical, grounded, goal-oriented, and high-performing will ADD to my ability to be free flowing and creative, and heighten my natural talents. My Hippy needs a General.

OLD BELIEF:

Because I don’t naturally gravitate toward structure, routine, or details, I won’t ever be successful.

NEW BELIEF:

IT IS ALL RELATIVE!!! Being either really regimented, or really free flowing can prove to be a problem. I know examples of people in both extremes who have experienced limits to success because of either their extreme inflexibility, or their  extremely “creative type” personality. I have also seen people be wildly successful and have these extreme personalities. Then there are also many successful people that BALANCE these two extreme traits. I can also think of times where I have been very regimented, disciplined, or analytical. And I can think of times where I have been more free-flowing and unstructured.

Any situation demands that you be able to put on the needed “hat” to get the job done. If that job is to be in the moment, painting with your daughter, then you bet the Hippy better come out and finger paint, not the General who doesn’t like a mess! To be successful you must find what works FOR YOU, and that might not work for anyone else. STEP BACK AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.  Probability says that it is best to be adaptable; to have the ability to be BOTH structured and disciplined at times, AND free flowing and adaptable at other times. Life shows us that we must be able to look on the bright side AND be comfortable with the ugliness too. We must enjoy our bodies, while not overindulging or seeking solace in physical pleasure. It really is a constant and beautiful dance.

the.destroy.her.

Is Destruction good or evil?

I am a runner. Not in the athletic sense, but in the existential sense. I am a runner. I run because moving on comes very naturally. I am a runner. I haven’t learned to stand still yet…

 Not exactly a novel concept-this running away thing. Many people run from their problems, I am by no means claiming to have pioneered the concept. We all try to escape; whether it is through alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping.

Pick a vice and people have used it to escape the inevitable. Or more likely, to create a bigger problem that the one before, but one that is somehow still easier to deal with than facing ourselves. But here’s the thing: I don’t run away from my problems; well, at least not directly. I run away from other people’s problem with me. If I think I am a problem in someone else’s experience, I leave and never come back. I feel no ill will toward them, and I always wish them well. I have honestly and truly never hated anyone, and I don’t know how to hold a grudge. But I have left…many people…many times.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

Here are some varying accounts of the Destroyer Archetype, and how it might come in to play (or out to play) in your life…

The Destroyer Archetype:

PART 1:

“The impulse to destroy and rebuild is archetypal. We are bound to that cycle and therein lies the learning. Destruction also refers to releasing that which is destroying us, and, so, many therapists and other healers serve the role of the Destroyer by assisting others to release destructive emotions or behavior. The power of positive destruction is enormously healing and liberating.”- Caroline Myss

I am a Destroyer by nature, and breaking down to rebuild is all I know how to do. I don’t like imposing my ever-changing life on many people, so usually I will cocoon myself during the change and emerge a new butterfly to whomever is left to witness it. I think it is a natural process for many to withdraw during tough times.

I find that if there is no one left when I surface, I don’t ever fret. There is one thing I am certain of: Everything is temporary. I feel at home in that truth, and thinking about things not being in constant flux makes me feel like I am trying to breathe through wet cement.

PART 2:

"If you are going to live outside the law, you have to be honest, and have to cut your loses."

The Destroyer is not only active in the process of change, but also in my interactions with people. If I feel like I’m causing someone or some situation more harm than good, then I run from it. “Better off without me” is my mantra, and it is one that is sung in elation, rather than said with self-pity. The weird thing is, I am stubbornly unable to change for anyone, yet I am willing to let them go so that they don’t have to put up with me. I have no problem with people not liking me, but I have a huge problem with imposing myself on a person who can’t handle who I am. It’s not the dislike that is the issue; it’s the need to balance other people’s wellbeing with my seeming inability to change just to please someone, or fit in.

“The Destroyer turns us into villains when we refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for the harm we do-and we all do harm of some kind…”

The list of my faults is long: I am disorganized, scattered, sometimes oblivious, mostly lost in my head, unmotivated my menial tasks, clumsily truthful when I know you well; and tactful to a fault when I don’t. I change my mind all the time, and I don’t follow instructions well unless I can see the bigger picture of their importance. I don’t like rules unless they are for someone’s protection, and I can’t do the same thing, the same way, twice. And the biggest fault I have is that I just don’t care, unless I care, and then I care too much.

What is on this list doesn’t matter. No one cares about another’s shortcomings unless they interfere with their own life. But that is my point exactly: How do you deal with your shortcomings when others don’t like them? I have always thought that I am doing more good than harm by leaving things/people/situations behind that I don’t feel I contribute to. But am I being a villain? It is easy; I know that. It is easier to destroy and rebuild than to work on what is there. But where is that line for us Destroyers? How do we embrace our affinity for creating space for rebirth, without simply running from our problems?

If you are looking for the answer, I guess I shouldn’t have waited until the end to tell you: I don’t have it…

sail.away.with.me.honey.

A part of me wants to go where the wind takes me; roll with the tide; set sail for new adventures, all that jazz. And another part of me wants to drop my anchor; build a village; hunker down. These two things require very different strategies. If life is an ocean (and I am very convinced that it is) then what kind of vessel am I? Certain vessels are built more for speed and agility, while others are built to slowly roam the seas, holding safe their stowaways through rough waters and new terrains.

I know some people that have always been large, strong vessels. I gravitate towards these people. They feel safe. They amble along slowly, letting neither rough seas nor long stretches of still water faze them. The urge step aboard and experience their warmth and safety is almost irresistible. But alas, these are always the people I leave behind. Soon, when my belly is filled and my clothes are dry, I am back gazing out at the horizon again, wondering what is next. What does that make me? I am not quite a pirate, but not quite a big safe ship either.

I used to be a kayak, running fast and furious through rough rapids. Or perhaps even a surfer waiting for the next wave. In between times of excitement and turmoil, when the waters were calm, I was simply lost and alone. My little vessel, which thrived in the rapids of change, was simply inhabitable in the long stretches of calm water. And unfortunately, with a vessel so small, it was impossible to invite anyone else on board.

I have a bigger vessel now. I have invited people on board, and found a way care for myself and sometimes others, as needed. My pace is slower and less frantic, but always moving nonetheless. Although I have a map, and I understand latitude and longitude, I prefer navigating by the stars, with my attention always aimed at the sky instead of down at the measurements. I simply trust the wisdom of the stars more than I will ever trust an experience somebody else has put on paper. Most importantly, I still look at the horizon. And if the winds of change call, I will answer, even if I have to travel alone…

conventional.wisdom.

I spent a lot of time today thinking about all the conventional "wisdom" that has been passed down to my generation over the years. (What else is there to do while you spring-clean?)

Some wisdom still stands the test of time.
Some wisdom just doesn't serve us anymore, except maybe to remind us of how far we have come compared to generations before us. In honour of WISDOM, here's some general-wisdom-makeovers for the new generation:

Not all who wander are lost... but those who don't WONDER are bound to get lost!

Be weary of anyone who tells you WHAT to think, and welcome anyone who tells you TO think. Most people in previous generations didn't have the luxury to go "find themselves" as we often do.  It is imperative, now more than ever, that you do find yourself. That finding will happen in pieces, little by little everyday. It never stops, and so you should never stop looking. It is a life-long process of getting to know, and then falling in love, with yourself.

CLEAN one thing a day that scares you!

- Wether that one thing is something physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or relational.
The days of quantity are over, MAKE ROOM FOR ONLY QUALITY IN YOUR LIFE!

Success is not measured by what you have, it is better measured by what you can let go of.

Previous generations have been OBSESSED by the rat race, and us younger ones (well the AWAKE ones that unplug from the music,tv,computers, and twits every once in a while, and LOOK at the world) have mostly eschewed the pursuit of material gain for SOMETHING else. Some of us don't know what yet, but we just KNOW there is more to life than going from box to box. And by that I mean your house, to your car, to your office/cubicle, to the mall, to your car, to your house again. Times are changing, and at a more accelerated rate than ever! Find out what you are meant to do in this world, and then make it pay. INVENT YOUR JOB, don't just settle for one that has been created for you.

Which brings me to my next point:

You CAN have it all, but do you even WANT it?

-The marriage, the kids, the cars, the beige house in the upscale suburb, and the corporate job...everything, it's all yours for the taking. I'm just wondering though... instead of daydreaming about those things, have you ever daydreamed about life AFTER you have those things? Do you imagine big dinners in your new kitchen? Do you imagine long baths in your new bathroom? Do you feel the freedom of driving in your new car? Do you feel confident in your new clothes?

Well then... JUST CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN! Spend less time going after those material expressions of joy, and more time DOING THINGS that make you feel those joyful feelings. Do meaningful work, create freedom, spend time with loved ones, and enrich your soul to feel more confident.  I'm not trying to sound like a hippy, it's really just more efficient!

pretty.progress.

Tips On Successful Living From a Master Facialist...

I think there is wisdom scattered all over the expanse and dimensions of our lives. Not only in the poetic things like sunset, pets, or children, but also in all the nooks and crannies where we would never think to look. I subscribe to the belief that everything in the world is a model of something else, hence my fondness of metaphors. We can often see the same truths, patterns, and lessons repeated identically in nature as in day-to-day life. Life really is like riding a bike; emotions really are like the weather; and metaphors really do put big lessons into tiny, manageable packages. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I got a delightful insight while at the hands of my extremely talented facialist, who is also my dear friend. As soon as she started the ritual that I know so well, all the worry I thought I felt ceased to exists. That’s when I realized it: this is a valuable ritual that treats much more than wrinkles and blemishes. This ritual can be applied to any area of your life that feels dark, confused, or just in need of some sprucing up. Using the metaphor of a facial, you will see how to apply it to everything from relationships to redecorating.

The Importance of Ritual

The start of the facial is divine. Rachel comes into the room; takes a deep, cleansing breath; and sounds her Tibetan singing bowl. The resonant sound signals the beginning of a ritual that she takes very seriously, and which she has singlehandedly built a business on. The chime of the bowl chases the last few hurried thoughts from my head, and sings: “For the next little while you are safe with me, nothing can get you right here, right now.” I think this is a crucial step that we forget in our lives.  Rituals have been used throughout human history to signify beginnings and endings, and to help us create beauty and meaning out of seeming chaos.

In our modern lives, rituals are falling away, and I think we are a little poorer for it. You might come home from work, but never transition fully, thereby keeping the hurried, tight feeling with you all night. If you sometimes feel like the week is one big blur, and that the evenings are just not long or restful enough, then you might be in need of a ritual of your own to signal the end of the work day. Some people pour a drink and sink deeply into their couch for some TV, but I think you can do better than that. Television takes a lot of mental energy, even though you are being passively entertained. It will keep your mind racing, and thus won’t serve to transition you. There is a place for watching TV, but not right after coming home.

Give yourself thirty minutes at the end of the day to transition into the evening before you do anything else. I recommend getting your own Singing Bowl, a candle or incense, and a comfortable, quiet spot to sit. Take a few cleansing breaths and feel your body say thank you for the moment of rest. Scan your body for any tightness, and stretch if that feels good. These are all just ideas; you can make your ritual anything you would like, but give it a definite beginning (like sounding the bowl, lighting a candle, or pushing play on a soothing soundtrack) and close the ritual with the same definite end by blowing out the candle, stopping the music or sounding the bowl. It is also good to perform your ritual in a room that you won’t stay in, for instance, in your bedroom, or in the bath. That way there is an ending to the ritual and you can step back into your evening, presumably, in the living room and kitchen.

Cleanse

Anything in life can be accomplished if we know how to do it. It seems self-explanatory, yes, but think about how often you have felt stuck because you didn’t know the first, or the next, step to take. I firmly believe that the first step in any process should always be to cleanse. You cannot start a facial without first removing all the dirt and makeup from the day. In decorating, the first step is to clean the room: vacuuming or sweeping the floors, making the bed, or putting away the toys. In relationships, the first step is to remove any of the bitter surface stains that have tarnished the relationship. A loving, honest conversation is a good way of clearing house. And just like with real cleaning, it is better to deal with little messes anywhere in your life right away, than to let big ones build up. If you feel like a mess might be too big to clean up yourself, enlist the help of a professional in the area you are dealing with: a cleaning crew, a couples counselor, a financial advisor, or a Supernanny. If you can’t do it alone, ask for help.

Exfoliate

After the dirt and makeup has been gently removed, my skin is now ready to be assessed. With the surface exposed, it is easy to see what my skin really needs, and the treatment can be planned from there. Usually, with skin, as with other things, an exfoliation is necessary. Exfoliating is not the same as cleansing, although the two are often confused. Exfoliation is used to remove dead skin cells and sebum from the surface of the skin so that the newer skin and oil underneath can thrive. Cleansing removes things from the face that are unnatural, and didn't belong there in the first place, but that inevitably build up during our day. It is important to note the difference, in your own process, between cleansing and exfoliating as well. You might be good at keeping a clean house, but have a drawer full of broken pens, or a closet full of ill-fitting clothes that you never wear. You might have good, honest relationship or friendship, but rely on the same dynamics, conversations, and activities as before, even though both members have grown and changed. You might eat perfectly clean and healthy, but have a regimented relationship with food that cuts off your intuition or enjoyment.

You see; there is a difference between being clean, and periodically removing things that no longer serve you, even though they might have been a healthy, functioning “cell” in your life before. After you have cleansed, take some time to see if there are some things, you could exfoliate from your chosen area of improvement. When you exfoliate, be as delicate with your life as you are with your skin, exfoliating gently but often, and see a new, healthier surface appear.

Masque

After my skin has been cleansed and exfoliated, it is time to masque. Masques are essentially concentrated nourishment for your skin. Another pebble of wisdom falls from my facialists’ lips and she massages the smell of berries onto my skin: “If you take away, you have to put back.” That truth extended so much farther than the massage table I was lying on. After you have removed the things that no longer serve you, you will be left with more space to add things that do serve you. This is a great time for intensive nourishment. After you have removed unrewarding commitments from your schedule, you will be left with time to read, catch up on sleep, or try a new hobby. If you moved the clutter and ugly furniture from your room, you are free to arrange a few deliberate objects in a manner that pleases you. When you remove old beliefs and expectations about how your relationship should be, you can now nourish and grow what the relationship is. If you removed a junk food habit, there is now room for a love of cooking, or skinny jean collecting, to grow. Whatever survived the exfoliation is considered a healthy “cell” and is right there on the surface to receive whatever attention and nourishment you slather on. Fill the space, and remember to make it intensively nourishing.

Moisturize

When the masque has done its time and gets removed, my skin gets layers and layers of final goodness massaged in. A spritz of toner, a few drops of serum, and then a lather of moisturizer. All these things serve to lock in the nourishment from the masque, add their own lower-dose nourishment , and protect those new cells from the elements. Moisturizing, just like cleansing, is something you want to do every day to maintain the results you have achieved. The same goes for your own project of improvement. After you have finished decorating that room, reinforce the new space by spending some quality time in there everyday to renew yourself. If you have made positive changes in a relationship, reinforce those changes with daily nourishment and gratitude toward the other person. Whatever new and healthy surface you have uncovered, remember to nourish it daily.

Nothing Is Worth Doing If It Is Not Done With Love

My facialist (from-here-on-out known as the greatest woman on earth) doesn’t just apply moisturizer to my face; she gives an amazing mini-massage! She starts with my arms and hands, then my feet and legs, and finally my poor shoulders and neck. Not only is this a testament to the sheer love she puts into every facial, but is also the single most important lesson I learnt on that bed. Don’t tell anyone else this but… self-improvement is supposed to feel good, because it is good! In the end, even though the extractions might be a little painful or the exfoliation a little abrasive, the end result always feels sublime. The results aren’t anything to kid about either.

So take an area of your life, or your body, and apply this regimen to it with love: Cleanse and moisturize daily; and exfoliate and masque twice a week. In a month, you might not recognize that glowing reflection staring back at you.