Entitlement and the Lost Art of Conversation…
It is hard for me to know for sure what has led to the decline of good conversations in our society. And as a mere 23 years on this earth is pitifully insufficient for me to know for sure if there, in fact, has been a decline, I do imagine a time where people where perhaps a little more satisfied.
It is hard for me to know for sure what has led to the decline of good conversations in our society. And as a mere 23 years on this earth is pitifully insufficient for me to know for sure if there, in fact, has been a decline, I do imagine a time where people where perhaps a little more satisfied.
The problem with conversation these days is that people think it is too much effort. They have not honed their skills, and so they have nothing to talk about except themselves, their accomplishments, or to tell silly little stories that are only relevant to them and perhaps one other person in the room. We are losing an essential skill, and our social interactions have become less satisfying and more full of distractions like alcohol, loud music, TV, food, and, cellphones. The conversation of yesteryear has spawned offspring born in the digital age of less face-to-face time, less eye contact, and 10 bits per second of flashing imagery waiting to steal our attention. These grotesque lovechildren are forms of selfish conversation that have overrun our social interactions. Here is my opinion on three of the brattiest conversations and how to abort them:
1) The Pissing Contest:
Many people make the mistake of meeting a statement with another statement. This form of conversation is very common in some circles, and I am going to venture a very unscientific guess that perhaps it is more common for males than females. It is the type of conversation where people talk at each other, with no flow, integration of information or thoughtful reply.
“ I just bought a 42 inch flat screen.”
“Yeah I have one of those”
“I’m picking it up Saturday”
“I got mine delivered”
“Well you don’t have a truck so you had to”
“Get the Bose sound system, it’s the best”
“Yeah I’ll wait for a new model to come out”
“Yeah I’m going to upgrade mine too.”
You might laugh, but everyone has taken part in a conversation like this. Substitute the word TV for Child, House, Travel, or Career, and you will realize how common this type of conversation is. We often talk AT each other, and never bother to really integrate the information, ask leading questions, and “get into it” with someone. We think by asserting ourselves we will feel satisfied in the conversation, but really it is equally unsatisfying for both parties because in this style of conversing there is no hope of enlightenment, problem solving, or even enjoyment.
Next time someone reveals a useless fact about themselves, ask leading questions until you find something you are truly interested in hearing about.
“I just bought a 42 inch flatscreen”
‘That’s cool, what are you favourite TV shows?”
“I love to watch CSI”
“Really, why is that?”
“Well, I am actually going to school for forensics”
“Wow, that’s so neat. Can you really tell how a person died by the blood splatter pattern?”
“Well actually…”
Now you have given birth to a truly meaningful conversation. Congratulations, it’s a boy!
2) The Fat Kid on the Seesaw
Lets hope that your new conversation skills haven’t turned your talking points into a one sided conversation, because unfortunately the other big problem with the lost art of conversation is that people forget that it is a delicate balance of give and take. Once you start asking about a person you might find that they are a little too willing to keep talking about themselves endlessly. This is likely to due to the fact that we have so many unsatisfying conversations, that when a person finally feels like someone really cares, they cannot close the floodgates. And we all know from our own playground days how unsatisfying an imbalanced conversation can be, as we are left feeling like a 5 year old stuck teetering on the top of the Seesaw with a fat kid.
The Fix:
Unfortunately it is impossible to balance out this type of conversation. People are extremely unaware of how uninteresting they can be sometimes, because to themselves, they are of course the most fascinating person in the world. You cannot fix the problem by trying to talk about yourself in equal part, because then you are back to having a Pissing Contest instead of a conversation. The best way to deal with this conversation is to get off of the Seesaw, without hurting the fat kid’s feelings. In a social setting like a party, it means simply excusing yourself as soon as you get the opportunity. It might sting a little, but will be a great learning experience for the other person. In a one-on-one conversation where there is no escape, it will be harder. You will have to politely but assertively steer the conversation away from that person, and hope that they get the hint. Don’t start talking about yourself because that just sends the message that you felt like it’s “your turn” and establishes a relationship with a whole other set of issues. If you know this problem comes up often with a certain person, where you are always listening, and they are talking, think of topics ahead of time that both of you are interested in. Bring them up when you feel like the conversation has lost its balance. The key solution here is common ground, and hopefully you can subtly show the other person what a balanced conversation looks like. If it is a close friend, you might just have to toughen up and tell the person how you feel.
This is by far the hardest issue to deal with. Far beyond the fat kid, a person who talks endlessly about themselves, whether you ask questions or not, is impossible to remedy from a listener’s perspective. We have all been guilty of talking for the sake of making noise, or of getting so caught up in our own issues and inner dialogue that we totally lose track of how many words we have imparted on listening (or half-listening) ears. The problem with this type of talking is that it is EXTREMELY satisfying for the person talking, and so they are reinforced to keep doing it. From the perspective of the listener, we are so shocked that a person has such little awareness of their surroundings that they don’t realize we are bored, or that they have done 90% of the talking for the last hour, that we are at a loss for what to do. Also, if you started out by being a good listener and giving verbal and non-verbal cues that encourage talking, you might feel like it is your fault the person is still talking but that you cannot withdraw your listening half way. But being a good listener shouldn’t be punishment for you. Performing a monologue is something that everyone is guilty of, and at the point that you are doing it you are too consumed with your own thoughts to realize the imbalance, but it is important for you now, while you are of clear mind, to ask yourself when you have been guilty of doing it. Recognizing the times we do it is essential, so that we can stop the behavior ourselves, because at the time you are performing your monologue, it is very unlikely (unless the listener gets up and walks away in the middle of your sentence) that you are picking up the signals that the listener is giving to show that enough is enough.
The Fix:
Think first about a time when you had to listen to someone talk endlessly about themselves and their issues without giving you a chance to give any advice, or to balance the conversation by offering another perspective. You are doing this for two reasons: First, so that you can feel what it feels like to be the listener in that situation, but secondly because if it is hard for you to think of an instance where that has happened to you, it might mean that you are always the one that is talking.
Now that you have honestly evaluated your role you can think about what triggered that behavior in yourself and how to be more conscious of the listener. Is it that you have been starved of conversation and needed someone to listen, or that you really needed to soundboard a problem to be able to sort it out in your head? In that case, simply recognizing ahead of time that you will need to perform a monologue is helpful, because you can tell your listener ahead of time that you will need to be talking for a while. The listener can then give you their full attention because both of you are aware of the imbalance, and an agreement has been made. Women will often call up a friend to talk about a specific issue, and that strengthens the relationship for both people, but beware of time that is supposed to be spent hanging out, chatting, or catching up, where there should be a balanced give and take of information on a topic of interest to both people, and not making the conversation about you or your life. When people get together to hang out, it should be rewarding for both people, and if both people are not getting fulfilled then the friendship cannot sustain itself. Ask yourself what your expectations are, and think about what the other person’s expectations are. If you think yours might be different, then state what you need from the interaction, whether it be time to talk about your issues, or time to just relax and laugh.
If you find that you perform monologues often in social situations like group discussions or parties, you might be doing it because of nerves. Being social and talking in front of people can be hard sometimes, and it is a fine balance between contributing to the group dynamic, or taking over the conversation. Luckily this is an easy fix: THE #1 RULE IS TO NEVER TALK ABOUT YOURSELF. In a group situation it is harder to find common ground for conversation, but talking about yourself is probably the least common of common ground so it should be avoided unless someone pointedly asks something about you. General statements or anecdotes are fine, but if a conversation as all about you and no one else can contribute, then not only will it be bad conversation, but people will resent you for being self centered. This doesn’t mean that you need to be a wallflower, but it means you need to be fully present in a conversation so that you can actively participate in broad topics of conversation related to many things.
I wish we could keep what is great about 2011, but go back to the Jane Austen days when we did not eat in front of the TV, or in our cars, or at our office desks. When we conducted ourselves as ladies and gentleman, and conversation was a fine art that was engaged in with care, compassion, and mindfulness. Nowadays it seems like conversation, like eating, is just another stimulus vying for our attention as we try to cram more and more into every second of our experience. And of course the paradox is that we end up with less. Less satisfying relationships, less satisfying meals, less time spent in awe of the world, and more time spent with eyes glazed over.
