shadow.dance.

In my introductory Cognitive Psychology class, I learnt that how we see depends largely on contrast. Now this isn't groundbreaking...In fact, you might feel the urge to say: "DUH!" I dare you to take a second to think about this concept though... The only reason we have any sort of perceptual experience of the world is because of contrast: the interplay of opposites! It really is so essential to our existence that I am starting to forgive the University for making me pay untold sums of cash so that I could have that pointed out to me. This contrast shows up in all areas of our life, and the interaction of opposites that creates contrast really is a beautiful dance. We all have a dance of opposites happening inside of us as well: The Shadow dancing in the Light; the Hippie rebelling against the General; the Animal frolicking while the Angel watches from above. I say dance, but admittedly it can feel more like a tug-o-war. To start to understand my inner dance of opposites, I have given these aspects of myself names, and I recommend you try the exercise too.

The Stage Is Set

I suggest you take some time to divide your life into its main parts, and name the opposing characters that are dancing on that stage. Everyone’s list might look a little different. If you are a parent, then that might be a separate stage for you, where you might find “the Protector” and “The Facilitator”. I’m taking a guess here, since I don’t have kids. If you would like to get specific, you could also add an aspect of your life that is featuring prominently for you right now. For me, it is my general work/life balance that is in a state of least satisfaction, so I named the characters in that arena specifically The Hippie and The General. If you are focusing on your relationship, you might want to add your characters there. Here are some of mine:

In General: The Light and The Shadow **be careful of negative connotations

Work/Life/Exercise/Money: The Hippie and The General

Food/Alcohol/Sex: The Animal and The Angel

How to Name Your Characters:

When I first tried to name my characters for my work/life balance situation, I came up with The Stubborn Child and The Critical Mother. Right away though, I realized that it wasn’t sitting right with me. I am putting a negative spin on the names because I am feeling negatively about the situation. Your characters names should be descriptive, but not only negative. They have to be neutral in the sense that you can see how each side adds value to your life. A hippie, for instance, has good qualities about her. She is free-flowing, creative, and inspirational. She is left brain. She is valuable in her own way. A General is analytical, disciplined, and goal-oriented; all good things too. Also, the goal is not the name one character a “good” thing and one a “bad” thing. As you might have guessed, we are going to try to balance and embrace BOTH sides of ourselves, so both characters must add value. 

**This was particularly hard for me when naming my Light side and Shadow Side. Although I am struggling to put a positive spin on the Shadow side, all I know is that I cannot deny it exists. For me, I think it is just our ability to accept life’s “messy or ugly” side. The ability to see the lesson in failure; the cleansing value of grief; the need for destruction in order to rebuild; the value of struggle and pain; the acceptance of loss and death. It is the ability to accept and “sit with” discomfort, instead of trying to run away from it or avoid it. That, to me, is the Shadow side. And I believe that if you always try to avoid discomfort, your shadow side will come out by creating situations for you in which you will be forced to face some level of discomfort or "ugliness".

Who Is Running The Show?

For most of us, one of these characters is more pronounced than the other.  Your typically controlling, Type-A personality has let the General take over. An overeating/overdrinking/over sexing hedonist has let their Animal take control. Conversely, a person that has become so infatuated with spiritual seeking, to the point of denouncing all enjoyment of food, sex, or “basal pleasures” for the purpose of enlightenment may have forsaken their Animal in favor of their Angel. A person that is constantly making decisions that harm others (or themselves) is letting their Shadow run the show.  It can be a fun game to name the opposing characters that play on the stage of each facet of your life. There are far more of these that I could come up with, but these are the big players for me right now.

Once you have named your characters, you will likely be able to identify right away which one shows up more often in a given situation. For instance, I have always thought that my “Light side” shows up more often that not. I am generally a sunny, positive, constructive person, and I shudder at the thought of cruelty, mean-spiritedness, or even gratuitous “darkness”. I don't hold grudges and I can honestly say I have never hated anyone. I also don't like scary/violent/or too sad or depressing movies. I am almost Shadow-phobic! Yet, I know that if I don’t give my Shadow some “stage time” it will seep into other areas of my life. The Shadow, even though it is hard to pin down conceptually, is that feeling of unease or boredom that creeps in when everything seems to be smooth sailing. It is the urge to “rock the boat” or to make a bad decision. For me, my shadow side usually means I start to sabotage my life or my relationships. It may mean I revisit a bad habit I thought I had left behind, or engage people or activities that I know aren't a "good idea". Your shadow side creates problems where none existed before, and it is a manifestation of the unwillingness to face the discomfort or ugliness in life head on, and without judgment.

Make Them Get Along:

The key to making your two opposing characters get along, it to stand back and take the view of the observer. Instead of wanting to control which character SHOULD come out to play, notice which one WANTS to come out and try not to judge it. Ask yourself if you might just have one of the two characters that is overdeveloped, while the other one has atrophied. Or is one scared to come out? Is one character not getting enough stage time, and now is demanding your attention by “showing up” at inconvenient times? Really PERSONIFY these characters! Get into their headspace: how they think, and what they feel. You might be surprised what comes up when you give them a voice.

Once you have gotten to know your characters, it's time to do some marriage councelling! These two opposites need to get along, so it is best you clear the air about their place "on the stage" (in your life). When you have some hunches about how the characters in your life come out to play, you can practice re-writing you script about these guys. Here is a quick few I did this morning:

OLD BELIEF: Being a practical, goal-oriented, and high-performing person will make me an emotionless robot that is not free flowing and creative, and I’d rather die than lose that side of myself.

NEW BELIEF:

Being practical, grounded, goal-oriented, and high-performing will ADD to my ability to be free flowing and creative, and heighten my natural talents. My Hippy needs a General.

OLD BELIEF:

Because I don’t naturally gravitate toward structure, routine, or details, I won’t ever be successful.

NEW BELIEF:

IT IS ALL RELATIVE!!! Being either really regimented, or really free flowing can prove to be a problem. I know examples of people in both extremes who have experienced limits to success because of either their extreme inflexibility, or their  extremely “creative type” personality. I have also seen people be wildly successful and have these extreme personalities. Then there are also many successful people that BALANCE these two extreme traits. I can also think of times where I have been very regimented, disciplined, or analytical. And I can think of times where I have been more free-flowing and unstructured.

Any situation demands that you be able to put on the needed “hat” to get the job done. If that job is to be in the moment, painting with your daughter, then you bet the Hippy better come out and finger paint, not the General who doesn’t like a mess! To be successful you must find what works FOR YOU, and that might not work for anyone else. STEP BACK AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.  Probability says that it is best to be adaptable; to have the ability to be BOTH structured and disciplined at times, AND free flowing and adaptable at other times. Life shows us that we must be able to look on the bright side AND be comfortable with the ugliness too. We must enjoy our bodies, while not overindulging or seeking solace in physical pleasure. It really is a constant and beautiful dance.