child.like

Everything old is new again

Do you ever get the feeling that your life seems really uneventful, or kind of empty? Well, here is a seemingly unrelated question: Do you ever remember backing out of the driveway, or driving to work? Chances are, unless you hit a child or another vehicle, you usually don’t remember these things. That’s because your brain saves precious energy by putting you into autopilot when doing familiar tasks. 80% of the total amount of glucose your body uses gets used by that tangle of nerves between your ears, which makes your brain a very energetically expensive piece of machinery to operate!  So whenever your brain can save some energy, it will. This cognitive efficiency is great in theory, but is actually contributing to a problem in modern society. That’s because our perception of how “full” life is depends on how many memories we have, or in other words, how many events stand out to us in our memory of the day. The more events you remember from the day, the “fuller” your day will feel.

Memory has three components to it: Encoding, Storage, and Retrieval. Encoding is done through attention, and thus when you are not consciously paying attention to a task it does not get committed to memory at all. This means that all of those times you are on autopilot will be chunks of your life that will feel like they never really happened. So, when you don’t pay attention a thing/setting/person/task that you are familiar with, you will be unable to encode that event. And since encoding leads to memory, and memory is a crucial measure of how full, satisfying, and eventful our lives feel, not paying attention is one of the biggest reasons for feeling like you have an unfulfilling life!

But alas, knowing the problem is easier than fixing it. I can’t believe people are still giving the advice: JUST BE MINDFUL! I’m sorry, yogis are good people and all, but they really need to elaborate on that notion, because any advice that starts with “just” and that can be summed up in one phrase is, frankly, just bullshit. Mindfulness is a practice that, not only takes skill, determination, and a lot of free time, but also takes an insane amount of energy. Being mindful all of the time will actually result in mental fatigue. It would be like reasoning that because exercise releases endorphins, if you want to feel happy, just exercise all day! Don’t get me wrong, mindfulness is definitely a habit worth cultivating, but it is not really something you can do all day. Especially not if you have a life where you are not taking serene walks in nature, or doing yoga all day. Think of mindfulness like trying to walk up straight, or suck in your gut. If you’re not used to doing it, you will remember for about thirty seconds before you get distracted, and next thing you know you will catch yourself slouching again.

Our brains are built for efficiency, and they are not going to expend considerable resources reminding us to suck it in, walk up straight, or to be mindful. Thus, intention alone does not a lifestyle change make! When it comes to feeling like you have a fuller life, your secret weapon is Dopamine. Dopamine is the neurochemical responsible for all the greatest things in your life. Being the “reward chemical”, it is released when you get a new sexual partner, buy a dream car (or buy anything exciting), win the lottery, eat chocolate, go on vacation, or have an orgasm. It is the chemical that tells your brain: FUN, YAY, and MORE! Dopamine is also (surprise, surprise!) responsible for encoding very significant memories. This is because your brain has evolve, not only to reward you for behaviors that are essential for survival, but also to make them stand out in your memory so that you do them again.  Eating high calorie foods; having sex-especially with a new partner; shopping-which is the evolutionary equivalent of stockpiling up for the winter; and exploring-which was essential for finding new food sources and territories, are a few behaviors that release dopamine, and dopamine is like a giant flashing sign that says: PAY ATTENTION, ME LIKEY! In short, anything that can be considered a novel experience will release dopamine, and so, new experiences will stand out in your memory because of the dopamine release that facilitates very effective encoding.

New experiences-->Dopamine=good feelings+more attention being paid= a more exciting life!

Unfortunately, a dopamine surge is very short lived, and so if you are depending solely on high-calorie food, shopping, and orgasms to get your dopamine fix, your life will still feel unfulfilling, except it will have an out-of-control, addictive bent. Even though the dopamine is there, the memory won’t last because the access is too easy, so you will crave the experience again soon after it has passed. You will also get used to the experience, and so you will be on autopilot up until the moment the dopamine hits, and then in a few minutes you will be back on autopilot. In contrast, if you get your dopamine from extended novel experiences where there is a prolonged sequence of novel stimuli that forces you to pay attention, the dopamine gets released over a long period of time, and that whole time you will be creating a new memory. That is why most people remember vacations so vividly. On vacation, almost everything you see is new and exciting, which releases an ongoing stream of dopamine, and forces you to pay attention and commit it all to memory. On the other hand, when you are firmly stuck in a routine, dopamine is almost never released unless it is in the short bursts during sex, shopping, food intake, orgasm or the like. That is why so many people get addicted to these things. If you find your dependence on these things growing, it could be symptomatic of a boring life!

Dopamine is also the reason why people find sexual excitement deteriorating with the same partner. Sex becomes like your routine drive to work -automatic. Mindfulness is one way to make sex more satisfying, and novelty is another. I would use a combination though, because just using novelty could lead to an “escalating” kind of behavior that leans more toward addictive than adventurous. But that being said, some people could definitely use some novelty-whether it be a new sexy outfit, location, or even just a different sequence of foreplay. Again, why do you think you have such great sex on vacation? It is because the novel setting facilitates dopamine release, thus making you pay more attention to every sensation you are experiencing, and committing the event to memory.

Another interesting fact about memory is that it is responsible for the sensation that life speeds up as you age. There have been many theories as to why it feels like life passes by faster and faster as we age, but the latest one again has to do with novelty. It theorizes that as adults age they become more and more cognitively efficient, and also more set in their ways. This results in fewer new experiences and thus fewer memories. That gives new depth to the notion of “living life to the fullest” because it literally means that filling your life with new experiences will essentially make it feel fuller, and like it is passing by slower. But you want to start incorporating more novelty into every facet of your life, not just in big chunks like on vacations, or in the beginning of a romantic relationship. We cannot have an endless parade of vacations, new cars, and varying adventures, so the challenge comes from incorporating some novelty into everyday experience. The best way to do this is to act like a child. This is the easiest if you have a partner and/or friends that are up for trying the experiment with you. Commit to one week of doing things that children would do, and experiment with turning your world upside-down as much as possible that week. I know the results will astound you, and it will become a regular activity.

Try brushing each other’s teeth before bed. Put your pillows on the other end of the bed and wake up with a different worldview. Have a picnic on your living room floor. Commit to trying different restaurants, or have some totally different dates doing things you wouldn’t usually do. Make a bet on who can go the longest through the evening doing everything wearing oven mitts. Blindfold each other and pick out the clothes you will be going out in that night. Or blindfold each other and stay in, trying to navigate the house, and each other. Have theme-night dinners where you choose a culture, and make a traditional meal. It will be fun finding the stores and shopping for the food with your friends or your partner. There is so much to do, but the point is-it all takes a little bit of effort. If you feel like your life is boring, you are not putting the effort in. Hopefully now that you understand why it is important, you will do it more. Mediocrity is a terrible ailment-but in the end it is one that is easily remedied. All you need are a few partners in crime! This brings me to my last point:  if all the people in your life are content doing the same things over and over again, then maybe the change of scenery you need is a new group of friends! I know it sounds mean, but life really is too short not to live it to the max every day. If you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, then having boring friends without a sense of adventure can really rob you of a fulfilling life. But hey, hopefully you will be able to bring them over to the fun side instead? In the end, it’s all about acting like a child, seriously.

“Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and becomes a host, and then a master?”-Kahlil Gibran