the.good.life.

How to create, attract, and experience more luxury in your life

Luxury myth: It’s not the biggest, baddest, shiny-est thing. It is not the most expensive thing. It is not something other people have and you don’t. When you Google luxury, you find things like 22 carat gold toilet paper, and cookware with diamond knobs. That is not real luxury, it is the manifestation of the opposite; a deep need for love; and fullness; and to feel enough.

Luxury Truth: Luxury is deeply personal and individual for every person. For me it is the first sip of hot coffee. It is peace and quiet first thing in the morning. It is the deliciousness of wrapping your cool shoulders in a soft blanket. It is looking outside and seeing gold mixing with green. It is the smell of wet earth. It is not having anywhere to rush off to: Time is a huge luxury. It is smelling your favorite fragrance {incense mixed with the aroma of coffee}, whilst hearing your favorite sound {jazz music}, whilst also seeing something beautiful{beautiful photography in my living room and a wet, cool autumn day outside} ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

In short, it is taking in the moment. It is constructing an environment where you love to be. It is nourishing your soul with presence. Because, in any moment there is something to be enjoyed. To be savored. To be grateful for.

How many times have I been on the most gorgeous walk, but instead of looking around and stopping to really take in the scene, instead I was worrying, or imagining, or otherwise missing the beauty? How many times have I gotten together with friends or family in a beautiful café or restaurant, and end up just complaining, or worrying, or otherwise missing the splendor? How many times have you gone through your day without giving yourself the presence of mind to enjoy something pleasurable?

The thing about that longing you have; that hole that can’t be filled; that yearning… it starts inside. We all have been guilty of being in a moment of complete luxury or splendor, and not even having the presence of mind to enjoy it. We have all seen someone else have something we want, and think “if I had that, I would be happy”. Oh, would you now?

One thing I know about longing, is that it is a beautiful emotion. It is not there to torture you or taunt you. It is there to gently guide you in the direction of bliss. The difference is simply a state of mind. Is the absence of what you long for in your life going to make you a victim or a creator?

If today you feel like creating, I have a reliable way of creating that has little to do with budget, and everything with mindset.

Upgrade your mindset

It is a wonderful thing that our state of mind determines our happiness so completely. How awful would it be if something that we have no control over {like people/places/things/circumstances} could absolutely determine our joy? Wouldn’t that be terrible? Unfortunately, all of us at certain times will fall victim to this lie that we need people/circumstances/ the world to change before we can be happy. But there is much evidence that this is not the case: New {environments/people/items/circumstances very quickly become ordinary, and we relapse back to our base state of joy or not joy. {Think about your first day on vacation in an exotic locale vs the last few} There are many studies that prove this too. Shortly after winning the lottery/landing a dream job/reaching a goal people return to the state of happiness they were before. The reason is simple: newness brings pleasure. We need to understand this to be able to get to make the following distinction…

New Experiences vs New Possessions

We confuse experiencing newness with needing to own new stuff. Once we possess something, and have it for a while, it will inevitably lose some of its pleasure as we get used to it. The only way to counter this is with presence. That doesn’t mean you can’t have nice things, in fact, I demand you do! But it deserves analysis. First, look around your life and find something you would like to upgrade, and ask yourself this: Do I cherish this thing? Do I take care of it? Love it? Am I grateful for it? A vehicle for example: Is your vehicle dirty, smelly, and neglected? If so, you don’t need a new vehicle, you need new presence to the vehicle you have. Your state of mind is the problem, and you are deluding yourself into thinking you will take better care of your next vehicle. But, we don’t attract what we want (the vibration of not having) we attract what we are (the vibration of having). And so, until you cherish what you have as if it were what you want, you won’t get what you want. Therefore, presence really is key when upgrading your life, not possessions. It is making choices everyday to use/be/do/say/have the best of the things you already have. Then feel free to get new stuff...

Upgrade Consciously and Continuously

The only cure for our wanting, our needing, is presence. Be in the now. See what is wonderful at this moment, and drink it in like a nourishing broth for the soul. The problem is, if your environment {what you are immediately experiencing with your body including your clothing, home, office, car, food, interactions etc.} isn’t up to scratch {uncomfortable/untidy/utilitarian/smelly/unpalatable/unsatisfying} you will have NO desire to be present in the moment, and you will continue to daydream about a better life as you sit in your subpar environment. You need to commit to making every aspect of your life a little bit better everyday, by adding in more and more luxury: Yes, this takes “effort”. Standing by the sink and eating cold leftovers is less “effort” than heating and plating your food beautifully, turning on some music, and enjoying your meal. Carving out time to go for a beautiful walk is more “effort” than watching TV. Wearing your favorite sweater around the house is more “effort” than staying in that nasty T-shirt. Ensuring your home/ car/ office/ cubicle/ dorm room/ prison cell contains some treasures, smells good, and is organized and personalized takes “effort”. The list goes on and on. But the thing is, it is an amazing upward spiral. Create even the smallest upgrade {like putting on socks if your feet are cold, or using your best china/perfume/pretty journals everyday} and consciously enjoying it. It is like fuel for your soul. There is no faster way to gain momentum in your life and become “one of those people” that seem like they have boundless energy and enthusiasm and control over their life, than to practice this bit of self-care. The more run down, tired, lackluster, and full of longing you are, the more you need to consciously upgrade, one baby step at a time. Give yourself something today. 

As a bonus (lest you think YOU have to do all the work here) this is also when Life/ The Universe/ God gives you all the things you want. Take one step towards the life you want, and it will take 1000 steps towards you. Decorate (to the best of your ability and budget) that tiny little condo, and you bet your ass you will not only live beautifully now, but also ensure even BIGGER AND BETTER beauty in the future. That's the law of the Universe: it gives you more of what ALREADY IS, so if that's {a lack of something} then you have a problemo...

Watch out for the 3 Big Blocks to Luxury in your life:

1.     Victimhood: Easily recognized by phases that include “yeah but”…”Yeah but I can’t coz that costs money”, “Yeah but I can’t coz I don’t have time”, “Yeah but I can’t coz I have to do this thing instead” Yeah but anything is a bad sign. It keeps you stuck, and anything following a yeah but is an excuse, not reality. When you change your language, you take control of your life. Instead, try simply using “I choose not to” and “I choose to”, instead of “I can’t” or “I have to”. It is hella empowering! (Fucking harsh…I know!)

2.     Worthiness: Easily recognized by the phrase “not enough”. Who am I to wear great clothes, have time to myself, stake a claim on my longings, have an orgasm, enjoy my life? I can’t be that entitled… I’m not smart enough/ brave enough/ young enough/ old enough/ far along enough/ rich enough/pretty enough/ enough enough to change my life. If you hear yourself think or utter that phrase, STOP, DROP, AND THERAPY… get to the therapy couch ASAP... Call your coach/friend; workshop that shit; bring out your tools! NOT ENOUGH is the underlying malignancy of our time. It will rob you of joy and energy and courage. Give me one hour and I will absolutely convince you of its falsehood!

  3.     Disbelief: This stuff doesn’t work/matter. How does the beauty of my home/ the comfort of my clothing/ the taste and appearance of my everyday food/the mug I drink my coffee out of affect the quality of my life? And HOW will changing that stuff give me more of what I desire: Joy, Love, Beauty, Luxury, Connection, and Comfort?
Ok…um…lets do a basic exercise in logic: Your life is happening RIGHT NOW. The past (which a lot of people put stock in as being a huge part of their life) was happening in the NOW when it was happening. Your future (which many people dream about being better than their life now and their past) will be happening IN THE NOW when it happens. The NOW is the only moment you ever have. And here is the real kicker: An accumulation of NOWs is called YOUR LIFE! If NOW you don’t CHOOSE to drink great coffee out of a fucking gorgeous mug/ sleep in great sheets/ wear comfortable clothing/ take time to enjoy beauty/ decorate your house/ light a candle then you are missing your life by deferring it until some imaginary time that will always be in the future.

Think of everyday as being given a million dollars, that you can either spend or not. If you don’t spend it, you don’t get to save it, it simply disappears. NOW is your life. And an accumulation of “someday I’ll do this and that” is like CHOOSING not to spend a million dollars EVEYDAY. Your days will keep passing with the same unsatisfactory tastelessness as they do now if you keep waiting to make things the best they can be today. DON’T WAIT for the future, for the “one day” to make everything in your life the best it can be. DO IT NOW, and those NOWs will become your life: Beautiful, Joyful, Connected, Luxurious…

bliss.in.the.park.

Today I had a transcendent experience. I did a 1-on-1 yoga session with a wonderful yoga instructor (and friend) Mary. It turned out to be so much more than yoga. We went to a park, set up our mats, and sat down. Then, she said she likes to start her practice by speaking on a certain topic. For me, her intuition picked “Patience”. The words that followed could not have been more perfect, hit closer to home, or been more comforting to my travel-weary spirit. I shed a few tears, and I felt my heart melt and open. I hadn’t consciously noticed it had started to harden over the last who-know-how-long, except that I have been feeling like I just can’t quite catch my breath lately; like there was a constant constriction around my heart. Finally the constriction had softened. She turned on some music, and we started to flow.

She work-shopped SO MANY POSES that I had been doing incorrectly for years, and adjusted me until everything felt perfectly in alignment. I discovered muscles I don’t think I have ever used before. Sometimes I would shake doing the SIMPLEST pose, because I had been doing it wrong all this time! The delicious stretching and gentle strengthening found places in body that were holding so much tension, so much emotion, and so many toxins, that I kept feeling tingles and waves ripple through as energy blocks got released. It was a spring-cleaning for my body like I had never felt before. Mary is graceful, cheerful, and casual. She is having fun, like she is out to play, not "work". The way she moved, seeing her so happy and in her element, made me think: “I’ll have a tall glass of whatever she’s having!” The energy of that practice was very beautiful, and I got to laugh and be myself. In yoga classes, I find it is a little too fast, and too crowded to really get a pose down right, so my strong muscles would overcompensate, and I would “look” like I was doing some good yoga. But trust me, getting adjusted and feeling how beautiful it is when your body is in alignment, is so different! The bliss is indescribable!

So now I ask you: Where in your life are you just going through the motions? What area do you need to workshop? Where do you need to take a closer look? Release some energy blocks? Get adjusted? Because, my-oh-my, when you start to really ENGAGE the area in your life you were you previously weren't, it is juicy! Right now, think of an area in your life you suspect you can find deeper joy, and have someone workshop it with you! There are so many beautiful teachers out there: in books, on YouTube, and in your life as friends and family, that can help you find deeper joy. Oh but if you can Beg, Barter, or Buy a few sessions with a professional in your chosen area, then you are in for a real treat! Besides the physical bliss, I got a personal message of inspiration, a customized deep heart-opening practice, and even a little lavender-scented massage during Savasana! Since no book or YouTube video has ever done all that, I am seeing Mary again next Tuesday. 

practical.magic.

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.  

-Practical Magic

Sometime the void is very real. It’s not a metaphor or a quaint idea. It is a hard truth. Visceral. The emptiness in our lives is intolerable sometimes, because all we can feel is the absence of what was. 

Or we feel the longing of what could be. 

Or we see what doesn’t quite fit. What didn’t work? 

Or we hope for the future, but we feel it has no foothold yet.

{I feel like I am a slow learner}

For how many years have I been told to slow down? 

Embrace the now. 

Stop fighting what is. 

Sink into it. 

Absorb it.

 {It’s not as scary as you think.} 

But, oh how I fight! We fight. We all push against the invisible demons of nothingness. We struggle. 

We run away. 

Yet, here I sit in the nothing, and there is something extremely blissful in it. Come join me. Find the unsatisfactory/messy/scary part of your life and explore it. Sink into it. LOVE IT. The emptiness of unfulfilled promises: the emptiness of ending. I was told not to scratch the itch- to sit in the discomfort and just notice it. How many years did it take to finally be able to do it? My whole lifetime, I guess.  And here I sit. 

I {finally} understand how this is it’s own kind of beauty. It can be peaceful anywhere… when you just stop. 

And listen. 

What is the emptiness saying?

You are your beloved. You are your best friend. You are the only one who needs to see you, to understand you. You are IT my dear. The one you should give your heart to IS YOU. That is all you need to worry about for now.

Go to sleep. And take care of that heart.

master.Mind.cleanse.

We have all had the experience of feeling like we need to do a cleanse. A detox.

Many people feel this physically-especially after a period of indulgence-like the very short but intense North American summer that we have here.  I myself start to feel sluggish, like there is a build up in my body. I also feel restless and pent up; like I am at once over-stimulated and under-nourished.  I am restless, but I don’t have the energy to do anything about it. We likely also see physical changes like skin conditions (the skin is one of the biggest detoxification organs) or a change in our bodyweight and composition. We start to say things like “I have to get back on track”. “I can’t eat like this anymore.” “After the summer it’s back to my usual routine.” That’s all well and good, but INITIATING a change, any change, is a tougher process. Here I am going to change directions completely and suggest a radically DIFFERENT approach to detoxing. It’s called a MIND CLEANSE.

It is a fact that our experience of the outside world IS A RESULT OF OUR MIND. Our internal world creates our external world. THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS. So it stands to reason then, that if you want to detox your body, you need to detox your mind first.

And, that holds true for wanting to improve ANY area of your life-not just your waistline. The biggest problem we have in our lives is JUDGMENT, and its negative effects extend far beyond a few extra pounds where we don’t want it. Judgment of ourselves, judgment of situations, and judgment of others. Judgment and the resulting negativity is the biggest toxin of our time. It is the cancer from which all others are born. People hear me, it is really fucking bad! Do not underestimate how insidious it is. How toxic it is to your life. Use these three steps to detox from judgment and negativity and watch the pounds (of drama/ weight/ debt/ anxiety/ loneliness) drop away!

Step 1: Acknowledge that you want to change

If you suspect that you might benefit from less negativity, then the first step is admitting you have a problem.

OR If you are very used to living in a place of judgment, you might not even notice that you constantly judge yourself, others, or situations. Try this anyway: Set an intention today for yourself to just become aware of when you are judging yourself, others, or a situation. We do it so automatically: “That guy shouldn’t be allowed on the road”, “Her kid is out of control”, “Fuck, I skipped the gym again”, “Urgh, my hair today”, “He doesn’t know what he is talking about”…. on and on…a million times a day. You will start to see how OFTEN it happens-likely automatically. Now acknowledge and accept when it happens, instead of justifying it, or berating yourself. Just notice it and try not to judge your judging. (I know it’s fucking hard). Sometimes, just shining a light on a behavior releases it. That will be the case with many of your petty little judgments. You will find yourself just “lightening up” and improving your mood by noticing and letting go of the petty stuff.

BUT there will be some big ones that you feel will be almost impossible to surmount. “BUT HE IS SUCH A DICK!” your mind will scream. Here is a where you need to go further to release the toxic poison from your life.

 Step 2: Journal/Talk to your Life Coach/ Talk to a sacred friend

Follow my logic here: If judgment and resistance actually WORKED as a strategy to change situations, people, and ourselves, the world would be perfect, because judging is automatic for all humans!

We all do it, all the time, and it is obviously not helping. If that were the case then all the road rage in the world would eradicate bad driving in one rush hour. That person you hate would magically change their behavior for the better. Ha. Ha. You wish. Judgment doesn’t work-it creates a vortex that sucks in more of the same. In fact, we have all had the experience of seeing how a bad attitude makes everything worse. Following this logic, you must then work to release the resistance to find a solution. But how? VENT!

Be as petty and nasty as you want, but make sure it doesn’t end there. Remember that judging and negativity are poison that YOU are drinking, and expecting the “thing” you are judging to die. Nope. Not gonna work.  I find it helps to write at the top of my journal page: I intend to see this situation differently and find my highest good. Then I start to describe the situation that I am judging. It works just as well if the situation is a family member that did that thing you hate, a bad driver, or your fat thighs. Journal for as long as it takes, and don’t censor yourself. You will likely find that your intense anger will transmute into sadness/fear/ hurt or other emotions. Keep writing.  Journal until you find you have run the gamut; until you “run out” of emotions; until thinking about he topic doesn’t elicit much emotion at all.

*If you are venting to a person, make sure they know what to do: They are holding space for you to vent, which means they should be like a journal… they don’t say much except to acknowledge that they are hearing you. They do not feed your judgment or agree. If they speak it is ONLY to remind you that the purpose of the conversation is to see things differently, and to let go of resistance. That is why a life coach is a better option, as they have experience in this and can smooth the process for you. Either way, vent until you feel the release from the grip of rage/sadness/disappointment/bitchiness etc.

Step 3. BREATHE

Take a deep breath and feel the peace that accompanies having nothing left to be upset about. That peace and serenity- and eventually acceptance as you keep up with this practice- is your birthright. It also happens to be the energy from which real change in your life is created. From that place of peace, you can affect the areas of your life that you are not satisfied with. Even the people that most piss you off seem to miraculously stop their behavior, or it just doesn’t affect you as much. You are back in control. It is SUCH an empowering position to live from. When you judge, you give away your power. When you accept, you become so powerful it will blow your fucking mind! Things change effortlessly. People bend to your “will”. Life flows. It is SERIOUSLY miraculous.

HERE is an extra video on the topic.

Good Luck xoxo

soulful.life.creation.

How to Manifest...  It’s a hot-button topic. Everyone has dabbled in, or at least heard of, the Law of Attraction and the like. And I would venture that the reason for its popularity is partly because most people have likely had an experience of “manifesting” something into reality through what felt like sheer magic. Things just “lined up”, and suddenly there you where, getting exactly the improbable thing that you asked for. It worked out just a little too well to be comfortably explained away as a series of coincidences, or a lucky break. So with extreme excitement you think: “Hey, maybe there’s something to this. Maybe the Universe isn’t a heartless, random vacuum. Maybe joy is our birthright…” and proceed to visualize/vision board/magic-list your way to a wad of cash, a mansion on the beach, and a brand new Ferrari. It doesn't work.

Yes, you are {partly} right. It doesn’t work... like that.

Logically it makes no sense that the Universe would be one that would manifest everyone's desire for a Ferrari, or a mansion, or a harem of hotties, or world domination. Bitch please! We would detroy the earth and ourselves in a matter of minutes if this was the case, which is why in Divine Design, that is not how it works. I don’t even like the word {Manifesting} because it carries so much skewed information and negative connotations. Not only is it burdened with a billion eye rolls and more skepticism than you can publish in a best seller, but it is shallow. Think about a bunch of people sitting on their couch wishing to be better looking, richer, and more travelled than anyone they know. When was the last time you tried to manifest world peace, endless love, and enough to eat for everyone? Yeah...didn't think so. Don't feel too bad. There is a reason why that's not on the top of your wish lists, and it's not because you are a shitty person. At least your Core Self isn't...

 Step 1: True Desires

One of Martha Beck’s most salient lessons is the idea that Life Creation/Manifesting/Intentional Living/Whateveryouwannacallit is {only} effective when you are dreaming and creating from your Core Being instead of from The Shallows of your Ego. Your Core Being is your timeless self {or soul if you will} that can see the whole picture of creation and where you fit into it. It isn't interested in consumerism or domination. It is interested in BEING IN HARMONY WITH ALL CREATION. It is interested in joy, and in love.
It is also the “you” that is a unique fingerprint in the world. The “you” that has a special combination of gifts and experience that no other person on earth has or will ever have. It is the TRUE YOU. It is the part that has direct access to the energy of the Universe. It is, simply put, where the magic happens. From your Core Being you create soul-nourishing dreams with {feelings} as the focus instead of {things}.

Conversely, in The Shallows you will find what many spiritual teachers refer to as The Ego. You can refer to The Ego and The Mind interchangeably- depending if you are of a spiritual or scientific bent. The ego, simply put, is ONLY concerned with lack and attack. In any moment, it is either worried about losing something/ not having enough, and it is attacking or fearing attack. It believes that you need {things} to bring {feelings} of safety and happiness. It is a shitty entity..but it is not really who you are.

If you want manifesting to work for you, you need to identify your CORE DESIRES. They are already hiding inside your shallow wishes, shrouded in your Ego's unoriginal lack/attack thoughts. Behind the wishes that look like the inside of every glossy magazine lies what your soul is trying to tell you.
When you are thinking/dreaming/making a list of what you want, try using only {feelings} instead of describing things. I will use money as an example, because it is undoubtedly on your list:

An ego wish: “I want X amount of cash.” Or, “I want to be able to afford anything I want”.

 Instead, try getting to the {root} of what money represents by using feeling words. “I want to be free to live life to the fullest, and on my own terms. I want to be able to experience the world fully: to taste, touch, smell, see, and hear all the beauty the world has. I want to nourish my soul. I want to feel safe and supported. I want to have peace of mind and be worry-free.”

The difference is in the ENERGY behind the THOUGHTS. When you want a big wad of cash, it is because you feel like you don’t have enough right now. The energy of NOT ENOUGH brings more of the same into your life. It is a worry that comes from the Ego-and the Ego can't manifest shit. When you switch to thinking about what your Core Being wants, it is a pure, clean, and expansive energy. That is the energy you want more of. You are putting out what you want to get back, instead of unknowingly putting out what you don’t want.

The same goes for using negative statements. Stating: “I don’t want to be tied to a job and in debt” is not the same sentiment as: “I want to be free to live life on my own terms”. The first carries the energy of contraction, aversion, and negativity. {Again, the universe responds to energy, not words, and reflects that energy back to you as the reality of your life} With that statement of what you don’t want, you may as well be wishing for a lifetime of serfdom. It is OK to think about what you don’t want, as that contrast is the only way to narrow down what you do want, but it is not enough. You need to shift your focus onto what you do want, and keep it there.

Step 2: Keeping it there

{You do not attract what you want; you attract what you are.}

You need to stay in the energy of the solution. What that means is that once you have found the {feelings} you want, you need to focus on those feelings more than you focus on the things you don’t want. You need to BECOME the feeling of freedom, or prosperity, or beauty, or love. You need to FIND IT in your everyday life.

{Right now.} Take action in that general direction. When you take one step toward your dream, it takes a thousand steps toward you. Take the tiniest step everyday toward a delicious life. If you want freedom, for example, do something that makes you feel free. It might be setting up an automatic savings plan no matter how much you feel like you don’t make enough to save anything. {Trust me, you don’t even miss that money if it just automatically comes out of your account}. Maybe it’s looking into a crazy hobby you have always wanted to try, or just admitting to a far-flung dream of a vocation/location change. Maybe it is allowing yourself a nap when you are tired. Celebrate where in your life you already are enjoying the feeling you want. Put something out into the universe with the same energy vibration as what you want. Do things simply for the joy of doing them, instead of with an outcome in mind. This brings me to the last step…

"Treat {the thing you want} like a bad boyfriend" says Poehler. 
"{It} won’t take care of you. It won't call you back or introduce you to its parents. {It} will openly flirt with other people while you are around…it is healthy to remember you can always leave him and go to sleep with somebody else" -Amy Poehler

Step 3: Detach

Don’t think constantly about the outcome. Don’t wonder where your stuff is. Be in the moment and live your life. That is the final, and most important key to getting what you want. When you are constantly looking for the changes, you will not see them. We have ALL experienced the phenomenon where we DON’T care about something {anymore} or stop thinking about it, and then get the results we want. Just like the bad boyfriend that is only interested in you when you are too busy enjoying your life without him. THAT IS EXACTLY the game you should play with your goals or desires. When you are detached from the outcome because you are just too busy enjoying your life as it is, you are “pressing send” on your request and then it is only a matter of time. The key is to be so engrossed in the joy of living your life that getting the things you want is just a happy by-product.  It is an I-could-take-it-or-leave-it feeling. That is the comical paradox of the Universe. Therefore, you simply MUST practice finding joy first, and the things you want will come. Thinking you need a certain thing or circumstance to be happy is simply the biggest lie of our time. THAT, not manifesting, is what obviously isn’t working. 

stop.the.madness.

Here's the thing...Most deficits are of a mental nature. They arise in the mind, and it is there that they must be laid to rest. If you are, at this moment, not threatened with bodily harm in any way, then your perceived suffering is mental.

 Let me elaborate...

{Symptoms}

Restlessness. Wandering aimlessly around the house. Mental chatter you can’t quiet down. Compulsive eating/shopping/drinking/anything. Constant worry. Spacing out. Unable to be where you are: in the moment. Fear. Daydreaming or mentally checking out in any way. Feeling like you just CANNOT stand yourself or some aspect of your life anymore.

{Antidote}

Nothing is missing in this moment.

{The Medicine}

Now think back to what I said: "Most deficits are of a mental nature. They arise in the mind, and it is there that they must be laid to rest. If you are, at this moment, not threatened with bodily harm in any way, then your perceived suffering is mental."

I am not saying it does not feel real- visceral even. It does. I feel it too.

I am simply pointing out that a deficit that starts in the mind cannot be addressed in the material world. It must be addressed in the mind. Just like a physical thirst cannot be quenched by thinking about drinking water.  A mental {spiritual} thirst cannot be quenched by material means. Your ego {mind} would have you believe that it can. That is how it survives and feeds and grows: by whispering in your ear about all the material treasures you could have and should have to survive. Esteem, beauty, excess. Flat stomach, perk bum, Black AMEX-Then you will be OK.

But the thirst continues…

or

the mental chatter

or

the feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin with discontent

or

worry

or

restlessness

or

feeling like it is {you are} never enough

{Take a moment’s pause. Follow these steps.}

1     Calm the fuck down.

Do this dance for a few minutes: Take one deep breath, and hold it at the top of the inhale. Feel that moment of peace where your mind goes quiet. Exhale. Feel another moment of peace at the bottom of the exhale, when your lungs are completely empty.  Repeat.

Do that a few times, chasing that blissful second of just feeling OK. Allowing peace in for just one second at a time will make enough space that you will be able to follow step two.

2    Listen.

Your body holds all the information you will EVER need to thrive. It is how you were made. Before humans had language, Instagram, or gold iPads, we thrived. Before we had a Neocortex {responsible for things like language and abstract thinking about the past and the future} we still had the knowledge to overcome extreme survival threats. The body, through its various sensory receptors, takes in 11 million bits of information per second. You only have conscious access to about 50 bits per second. The rest is in your subconscious and presents itself as {gut feelings} and the like. Your discomfort is trying to give you a message. It is trying to tell you what you need to thrive.

Some ways to {listen} are:

Meditate.

{If you are of that inclination} I myself would rather carve my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

Journal. 

Free write. Whatever comes to mind. Write on anything you can find about anything that spills out. Go sit in the bathroom at work and do it on your phone. This technique is magic. It never fails to calm me down. And I receive amazing messages about what I need to do to move forward and feel better.

Talk to a friend. 

If you are blessed with someone in your life that has the ability to {translate} your ranting into golden nuggets, then you are very lucky. Sometimes sound-boarding with someone who is empathetic and honest can be a lifesaver for decoding your own neurosis. {A word of caution} This is a precious resource, and I suggest you use it sparingly. Don’t tire out your friend{s} by always depending on them for guidance and advice. No one likes that person. Save this for the really bothersome topics that the other techniques don’t work on.

 Trust.

Trust the message that comes through. Maybe your message is that you need a nap. Don’t worry if you don’t see how this is going to solve the problem of what colors to pick for your wedding, or how you hate your mother-in-law. Just listen to the message and go take a fucking {nap/bath/spa week} even if you just came {up/out/back} from one. Trust the process. If your message is that you feel used and abused {to stand up for yourself/ set better boundaries} do so. Even in a very small non-threatening way. If you have problems sanding up to your boss, then start by asking the Barista to remake your disastrous latte. Trust the process. If your jealousy reveals that you actually {wish} you could get by on looks and cleavage, then get out of your sweatpants and into something cute. Yes, even if it is just to do your janitorial service job. Trust the process.

Life is a funny thing. Small actions catalyze huge change when accumulated over a short time. Sometimes I feel like I live 98% of my life on autopilot and those are the times that heavily coincide with things looking the same every morning. It’s the {looking} that needs to change before the {things} can change. Start small and trust that change will come if you keep committing to the best life you can manage in the moment.

shadow.dance.

In my introductory Cognitive Psychology class, I learnt that how we see depends largely on contrast. Now this isn't groundbreaking...In fact, you might feel the urge to say: "DUH!" I dare you to take a second to think about this concept though... The only reason we have any sort of perceptual experience of the world is because of contrast: the interplay of opposites! It really is so essential to our existence that I am starting to forgive the University for making me pay untold sums of cash so that I could have that pointed out to me. This contrast shows up in all areas of our life, and the interaction of opposites that creates contrast really is a beautiful dance. We all have a dance of opposites happening inside of us as well: The Shadow dancing in the Light; the Hippie rebelling against the General; the Animal frolicking while the Angel watches from above. I say dance, but admittedly it can feel more like a tug-o-war. To start to understand my inner dance of opposites, I have given these aspects of myself names, and I recommend you try the exercise too.

The Stage Is Set

I suggest you take some time to divide your life into its main parts, and name the opposing characters that are dancing on that stage. Everyone’s list might look a little different. If you are a parent, then that might be a separate stage for you, where you might find “the Protector” and “The Facilitator”. I’m taking a guess here, since I don’t have kids. If you would like to get specific, you could also add an aspect of your life that is featuring prominently for you right now. For me, it is my general work/life balance that is in a state of least satisfaction, so I named the characters in that arena specifically The Hippie and The General. If you are focusing on your relationship, you might want to add your characters there. Here are some of mine:

In General: The Light and The Shadow **be careful of negative connotations

Work/Life/Exercise/Money: The Hippie and The General

Food/Alcohol/Sex: The Animal and The Angel

How to Name Your Characters:

When I first tried to name my characters for my work/life balance situation, I came up with The Stubborn Child and The Critical Mother. Right away though, I realized that it wasn’t sitting right with me. I am putting a negative spin on the names because I am feeling negatively about the situation. Your characters names should be descriptive, but not only negative. They have to be neutral in the sense that you can see how each side adds value to your life. A hippie, for instance, has good qualities about her. She is free-flowing, creative, and inspirational. She is left brain. She is valuable in her own way. A General is analytical, disciplined, and goal-oriented; all good things too. Also, the goal is not the name one character a “good” thing and one a “bad” thing. As you might have guessed, we are going to try to balance and embrace BOTH sides of ourselves, so both characters must add value. 

**This was particularly hard for me when naming my Light side and Shadow Side. Although I am struggling to put a positive spin on the Shadow side, all I know is that I cannot deny it exists. For me, I think it is just our ability to accept life’s “messy or ugly” side. The ability to see the lesson in failure; the cleansing value of grief; the need for destruction in order to rebuild; the value of struggle and pain; the acceptance of loss and death. It is the ability to accept and “sit with” discomfort, instead of trying to run away from it or avoid it. That, to me, is the Shadow side. And I believe that if you always try to avoid discomfort, your shadow side will come out by creating situations for you in which you will be forced to face some level of discomfort or "ugliness".

Who Is Running The Show?

For most of us, one of these characters is more pronounced than the other.  Your typically controlling, Type-A personality has let the General take over. An overeating/overdrinking/over sexing hedonist has let their Animal take control. Conversely, a person that has become so infatuated with spiritual seeking, to the point of denouncing all enjoyment of food, sex, or “basal pleasures” for the purpose of enlightenment may have forsaken their Animal in favor of their Angel. A person that is constantly making decisions that harm others (or themselves) is letting their Shadow run the show.  It can be a fun game to name the opposing characters that play on the stage of each facet of your life. There are far more of these that I could come up with, but these are the big players for me right now.

Once you have named your characters, you will likely be able to identify right away which one shows up more often in a given situation. For instance, I have always thought that my “Light side” shows up more often that not. I am generally a sunny, positive, constructive person, and I shudder at the thought of cruelty, mean-spiritedness, or even gratuitous “darkness”. I don't hold grudges and I can honestly say I have never hated anyone. I also don't like scary/violent/or too sad or depressing movies. I am almost Shadow-phobic! Yet, I know that if I don’t give my Shadow some “stage time” it will seep into other areas of my life. The Shadow, even though it is hard to pin down conceptually, is that feeling of unease or boredom that creeps in when everything seems to be smooth sailing. It is the urge to “rock the boat” or to make a bad decision. For me, my shadow side usually means I start to sabotage my life or my relationships. It may mean I revisit a bad habit I thought I had left behind, or engage people or activities that I know aren't a "good idea". Your shadow side creates problems where none existed before, and it is a manifestation of the unwillingness to face the discomfort or ugliness in life head on, and without judgment.

Make Them Get Along:

The key to making your two opposing characters get along, it to stand back and take the view of the observer. Instead of wanting to control which character SHOULD come out to play, notice which one WANTS to come out and try not to judge it. Ask yourself if you might just have one of the two characters that is overdeveloped, while the other one has atrophied. Or is one scared to come out? Is one character not getting enough stage time, and now is demanding your attention by “showing up” at inconvenient times? Really PERSONIFY these characters! Get into their headspace: how they think, and what they feel. You might be surprised what comes up when you give them a voice.

Once you have gotten to know your characters, it's time to do some marriage councelling! These two opposites need to get along, so it is best you clear the air about their place "on the stage" (in your life). When you have some hunches about how the characters in your life come out to play, you can practice re-writing you script about these guys. Here is a quick few I did this morning:

OLD BELIEF: Being a practical, goal-oriented, and high-performing person will make me an emotionless robot that is not free flowing and creative, and I’d rather die than lose that side of myself.

NEW BELIEF:

Being practical, grounded, goal-oriented, and high-performing will ADD to my ability to be free flowing and creative, and heighten my natural talents. My Hippy needs a General.

OLD BELIEF:

Because I don’t naturally gravitate toward structure, routine, or details, I won’t ever be successful.

NEW BELIEF:

IT IS ALL RELATIVE!!! Being either really regimented, or really free flowing can prove to be a problem. I know examples of people in both extremes who have experienced limits to success because of either their extreme inflexibility, or their  extremely “creative type” personality. I have also seen people be wildly successful and have these extreme personalities. Then there are also many successful people that BALANCE these two extreme traits. I can also think of times where I have been very regimented, disciplined, or analytical. And I can think of times where I have been more free-flowing and unstructured.

Any situation demands that you be able to put on the needed “hat” to get the job done. If that job is to be in the moment, painting with your daughter, then you bet the Hippy better come out and finger paint, not the General who doesn’t like a mess! To be successful you must find what works FOR YOU, and that might not work for anyone else. STEP BACK AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.  Probability says that it is best to be adaptable; to have the ability to be BOTH structured and disciplined at times, AND free flowing and adaptable at other times. Life shows us that we must be able to look on the bright side AND be comfortable with the ugliness too. We must enjoy our bodies, while not overindulging or seeking solace in physical pleasure. It really is a constant and beautiful dance.

the.destroy.her.

Is Destruction good or evil?

I am a runner. Not in the athletic sense, but in the existential sense. I am a runner. I run because moving on comes very naturally. I am a runner. I haven’t learned to stand still yet…

 Not exactly a novel concept-this running away thing. Many people run from their problems, I am by no means claiming to have pioneered the concept. We all try to escape; whether it is through alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping.

Pick a vice and people have used it to escape the inevitable. Or more likely, to create a bigger problem that the one before, but one that is somehow still easier to deal with than facing ourselves. But here’s the thing: I don’t run away from my problems; well, at least not directly. I run away from other people’s problem with me. If I think I am a problem in someone else’s experience, I leave and never come back. I feel no ill will toward them, and I always wish them well. I have honestly and truly never hated anyone, and I don’t know how to hold a grudge. But I have left…many people…many times.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

Here are some varying accounts of the Destroyer Archetype, and how it might come in to play (or out to play) in your life…

The Destroyer Archetype:

PART 1:

“The impulse to destroy and rebuild is archetypal. We are bound to that cycle and therein lies the learning. Destruction also refers to releasing that which is destroying us, and, so, many therapists and other healers serve the role of the Destroyer by assisting others to release destructive emotions or behavior. The power of positive destruction is enormously healing and liberating.”- Caroline Myss

I am a Destroyer by nature, and breaking down to rebuild is all I know how to do. I don’t like imposing my ever-changing life on many people, so usually I will cocoon myself during the change and emerge a new butterfly to whomever is left to witness it. I think it is a natural process for many to withdraw during tough times.

I find that if there is no one left when I surface, I don’t ever fret. There is one thing I am certain of: Everything is temporary. I feel at home in that truth, and thinking about things not being in constant flux makes me feel like I am trying to breathe through wet cement.

PART 2:

"If you are going to live outside the law, you have to be honest, and have to cut your loses."

The Destroyer is not only active in the process of change, but also in my interactions with people. If I feel like I’m causing someone or some situation more harm than good, then I run from it. “Better off without me” is my mantra, and it is one that is sung in elation, rather than said with self-pity. The weird thing is, I am stubbornly unable to change for anyone, yet I am willing to let them go so that they don’t have to put up with me. I have no problem with people not liking me, but I have a huge problem with imposing myself on a person who can’t handle who I am. It’s not the dislike that is the issue; it’s the need to balance other people’s wellbeing with my seeming inability to change just to please someone, or fit in.

“The Destroyer turns us into villains when we refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for the harm we do-and we all do harm of some kind…”

The list of my faults is long: I am disorganized, scattered, sometimes oblivious, mostly lost in my head, unmotivated my menial tasks, clumsily truthful when I know you well; and tactful to a fault when I don’t. I change my mind all the time, and I don’t follow instructions well unless I can see the bigger picture of their importance. I don’t like rules unless they are for someone’s protection, and I can’t do the same thing, the same way, twice. And the biggest fault I have is that I just don’t care, unless I care, and then I care too much.

What is on this list doesn’t matter. No one cares about another’s shortcomings unless they interfere with their own life. But that is my point exactly: How do you deal with your shortcomings when others don’t like them? I have always thought that I am doing more good than harm by leaving things/people/situations behind that I don’t feel I contribute to. But am I being a villain? It is easy; I know that. It is easier to destroy and rebuild than to work on what is there. But where is that line for us Destroyers? How do we embrace our affinity for creating space for rebirth, without simply running from our problems?

If you are looking for the answer, I guess I shouldn’t have waited until the end to tell you: I don’t have it…

sail.away.with.me.honey.

A part of me wants to go where the wind takes me; roll with the tide; set sail for new adventures, all that jazz. And another part of me wants to drop my anchor; build a village; hunker down. These two things require very different strategies. If life is an ocean (and I am very convinced that it is) then what kind of vessel am I? Certain vessels are built more for speed and agility, while others are built to slowly roam the seas, holding safe their stowaways through rough waters and new terrains.

I know some people that have always been large, strong vessels. I gravitate towards these people. They feel safe. They amble along slowly, letting neither rough seas nor long stretches of still water faze them. The urge step aboard and experience their warmth and safety is almost irresistible. But alas, these are always the people I leave behind. Soon, when my belly is filled and my clothes are dry, I am back gazing out at the horizon again, wondering what is next. What does that make me? I am not quite a pirate, but not quite a big safe ship either.

I used to be a kayak, running fast and furious through rough rapids. Or perhaps even a surfer waiting for the next wave. In between times of excitement and turmoil, when the waters were calm, I was simply lost and alone. My little vessel, which thrived in the rapids of change, was simply inhabitable in the long stretches of calm water. And unfortunately, with a vessel so small, it was impossible to invite anyone else on board.

I have a bigger vessel now. I have invited people on board, and found a way care for myself and sometimes others, as needed. My pace is slower and less frantic, but always moving nonetheless. Although I have a map, and I understand latitude and longitude, I prefer navigating by the stars, with my attention always aimed at the sky instead of down at the measurements. I simply trust the wisdom of the stars more than I will ever trust an experience somebody else has put on paper. Most importantly, I still look at the horizon. And if the winds of change call, I will answer, even if I have to travel alone…

conventional.wisdom.

I spent a lot of time today thinking about all the conventional "wisdom" that has been passed down to my generation over the years. (What else is there to do while you spring-clean?)

Some wisdom still stands the test of time.
Some wisdom just doesn't serve us anymore, except maybe to remind us of how far we have come compared to generations before us. In honour of WISDOM, here's some general-wisdom-makeovers for the new generation:

Not all who wander are lost... but those who don't WONDER are bound to get lost!

Be weary of anyone who tells you WHAT to think, and welcome anyone who tells you TO think. Most people in previous generations didn't have the luxury to go "find themselves" as we often do.  It is imperative, now more than ever, that you do find yourself. That finding will happen in pieces, little by little everyday. It never stops, and so you should never stop looking. It is a life-long process of getting to know, and then falling in love, with yourself.

CLEAN one thing a day that scares you!

- Wether that one thing is something physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or relational.
The days of quantity are over, MAKE ROOM FOR ONLY QUALITY IN YOUR LIFE!

Success is not measured by what you have, it is better measured by what you can let go of.

Previous generations have been OBSESSED by the rat race, and us younger ones (well the AWAKE ones that unplug from the music,tv,computers, and twits every once in a while, and LOOK at the world) have mostly eschewed the pursuit of material gain for SOMETHING else. Some of us don't know what yet, but we just KNOW there is more to life than going from box to box. And by that I mean your house, to your car, to your office/cubicle, to the mall, to your car, to your house again. Times are changing, and at a more accelerated rate than ever! Find out what you are meant to do in this world, and then make it pay. INVENT YOUR JOB, don't just settle for one that has been created for you.

Which brings me to my next point:

You CAN have it all, but do you even WANT it?

-The marriage, the kids, the cars, the beige house in the upscale suburb, and the corporate job...everything, it's all yours for the taking. I'm just wondering though... instead of daydreaming about those things, have you ever daydreamed about life AFTER you have those things? Do you imagine big dinners in your new kitchen? Do you imagine long baths in your new bathroom? Do you feel the freedom of driving in your new car? Do you feel confident in your new clothes?

Well then... JUST CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN! Spend less time going after those material expressions of joy, and more time DOING THINGS that make you feel those joyful feelings. Do meaningful work, create freedom, spend time with loved ones, and enrich your soul to feel more confident.  I'm not trying to sound like a hippy, it's really just more efficient!

pretty.progress.

Tips On Successful Living From a Master Facialist...

I think there is wisdom scattered all over the expanse and dimensions of our lives. Not only in the poetic things like sunset, pets, or children, but also in all the nooks and crannies where we would never think to look. I subscribe to the belief that everything in the world is a model of something else, hence my fondness of metaphors. We can often see the same truths, patterns, and lessons repeated identically in nature as in day-to-day life. Life really is like riding a bike; emotions really are like the weather; and metaphors really do put big lessons into tiny, manageable packages. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I got a delightful insight while at the hands of my extremely talented facialist, who is also my dear friend. As soon as she started the ritual that I know so well, all the worry I thought I felt ceased to exists. That’s when I realized it: this is a valuable ritual that treats much more than wrinkles and blemishes. This ritual can be applied to any area of your life that feels dark, confused, or just in need of some sprucing up. Using the metaphor of a facial, you will see how to apply it to everything from relationships to redecorating.

The Importance of Ritual

The start of the facial is divine. Rachel comes into the room; takes a deep, cleansing breath; and sounds her Tibetan singing bowl. The resonant sound signals the beginning of a ritual that she takes very seriously, and which she has singlehandedly built a business on. The chime of the bowl chases the last few hurried thoughts from my head, and sings: “For the next little while you are safe with me, nothing can get you right here, right now.” I think this is a crucial step that we forget in our lives.  Rituals have been used throughout human history to signify beginnings and endings, and to help us create beauty and meaning out of seeming chaos.

In our modern lives, rituals are falling away, and I think we are a little poorer for it. You might come home from work, but never transition fully, thereby keeping the hurried, tight feeling with you all night. If you sometimes feel like the week is one big blur, and that the evenings are just not long or restful enough, then you might be in need of a ritual of your own to signal the end of the work day. Some people pour a drink and sink deeply into their couch for some TV, but I think you can do better than that. Television takes a lot of mental energy, even though you are being passively entertained. It will keep your mind racing, and thus won’t serve to transition you. There is a place for watching TV, but not right after coming home.

Give yourself thirty minutes at the end of the day to transition into the evening before you do anything else. I recommend getting your own Singing Bowl, a candle or incense, and a comfortable, quiet spot to sit. Take a few cleansing breaths and feel your body say thank you for the moment of rest. Scan your body for any tightness, and stretch if that feels good. These are all just ideas; you can make your ritual anything you would like, but give it a definite beginning (like sounding the bowl, lighting a candle, or pushing play on a soothing soundtrack) and close the ritual with the same definite end by blowing out the candle, stopping the music or sounding the bowl. It is also good to perform your ritual in a room that you won’t stay in, for instance, in your bedroom, or in the bath. That way there is an ending to the ritual and you can step back into your evening, presumably, in the living room and kitchen.

Cleanse

Anything in life can be accomplished if we know how to do it. It seems self-explanatory, yes, but think about how often you have felt stuck because you didn’t know the first, or the next, step to take. I firmly believe that the first step in any process should always be to cleanse. You cannot start a facial without first removing all the dirt and makeup from the day. In decorating, the first step is to clean the room: vacuuming or sweeping the floors, making the bed, or putting away the toys. In relationships, the first step is to remove any of the bitter surface stains that have tarnished the relationship. A loving, honest conversation is a good way of clearing house. And just like with real cleaning, it is better to deal with little messes anywhere in your life right away, than to let big ones build up. If you feel like a mess might be too big to clean up yourself, enlist the help of a professional in the area you are dealing with: a cleaning crew, a couples counselor, a financial advisor, or a Supernanny. If you can’t do it alone, ask for help.

Exfoliate

After the dirt and makeup has been gently removed, my skin is now ready to be assessed. With the surface exposed, it is easy to see what my skin really needs, and the treatment can be planned from there. Usually, with skin, as with other things, an exfoliation is necessary. Exfoliating is not the same as cleansing, although the two are often confused. Exfoliation is used to remove dead skin cells and sebum from the surface of the skin so that the newer skin and oil underneath can thrive. Cleansing removes things from the face that are unnatural, and didn't belong there in the first place, but that inevitably build up during our day. It is important to note the difference, in your own process, between cleansing and exfoliating as well. You might be good at keeping a clean house, but have a drawer full of broken pens, or a closet full of ill-fitting clothes that you never wear. You might have good, honest relationship or friendship, but rely on the same dynamics, conversations, and activities as before, even though both members have grown and changed. You might eat perfectly clean and healthy, but have a regimented relationship with food that cuts off your intuition or enjoyment.

You see; there is a difference between being clean, and periodically removing things that no longer serve you, even though they might have been a healthy, functioning “cell” in your life before. After you have cleansed, take some time to see if there are some things, you could exfoliate from your chosen area of improvement. When you exfoliate, be as delicate with your life as you are with your skin, exfoliating gently but often, and see a new, healthier surface appear.

Masque

After my skin has been cleansed and exfoliated, it is time to masque. Masques are essentially concentrated nourishment for your skin. Another pebble of wisdom falls from my facialists’ lips and she massages the smell of berries onto my skin: “If you take away, you have to put back.” That truth extended so much farther than the massage table I was lying on. After you have removed the things that no longer serve you, you will be left with more space to add things that do serve you. This is a great time for intensive nourishment. After you have removed unrewarding commitments from your schedule, you will be left with time to read, catch up on sleep, or try a new hobby. If you moved the clutter and ugly furniture from your room, you are free to arrange a few deliberate objects in a manner that pleases you. When you remove old beliefs and expectations about how your relationship should be, you can now nourish and grow what the relationship is. If you removed a junk food habit, there is now room for a love of cooking, or skinny jean collecting, to grow. Whatever survived the exfoliation is considered a healthy “cell” and is right there on the surface to receive whatever attention and nourishment you slather on. Fill the space, and remember to make it intensively nourishing.

Moisturize

When the masque has done its time and gets removed, my skin gets layers and layers of final goodness massaged in. A spritz of toner, a few drops of serum, and then a lather of moisturizer. All these things serve to lock in the nourishment from the masque, add their own lower-dose nourishment , and protect those new cells from the elements. Moisturizing, just like cleansing, is something you want to do every day to maintain the results you have achieved. The same goes for your own project of improvement. After you have finished decorating that room, reinforce the new space by spending some quality time in there everyday to renew yourself. If you have made positive changes in a relationship, reinforce those changes with daily nourishment and gratitude toward the other person. Whatever new and healthy surface you have uncovered, remember to nourish it daily.

Nothing Is Worth Doing If It Is Not Done With Love

My facialist (from-here-on-out known as the greatest woman on earth) doesn’t just apply moisturizer to my face; she gives an amazing mini-massage! She starts with my arms and hands, then my feet and legs, and finally my poor shoulders and neck. Not only is this a testament to the sheer love she puts into every facial, but is also the single most important lesson I learnt on that bed. Don’t tell anyone else this but… self-improvement is supposed to feel good, because it is good! In the end, even though the extractions might be a little painful or the exfoliation a little abrasive, the end result always feels sublime. The results aren’t anything to kid about either.

So take an area of your life, or your body, and apply this regimen to it with love: Cleanse and moisturize daily; and exfoliate and masque twice a week. In a month, you might not recognize that glowing reflection staring back at you.