pretty.progress.

Tips On Successful Living From a Master Facialist...

I think there is wisdom scattered all over the expanse and dimensions of our lives. Not only in the poetic things like sunset, pets, or children, but also in all the nooks and crannies where we would never think to look. I subscribe to the belief that everything in the world is a model of something else, hence my fondness of metaphors. We can often see the same truths, patterns, and lessons repeated identically in nature as in day-to-day life. Life really is like riding a bike; emotions really are like the weather; and metaphors really do put big lessons into tiny, manageable packages. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I got a delightful insight while at the hands of my extremely talented facialist, who is also my dear friend. As soon as she started the ritual that I know so well, all the worry I thought I felt ceased to exists. That’s when I realized it: this is a valuable ritual that treats much more than wrinkles and blemishes. This ritual can be applied to any area of your life that feels dark, confused, or just in need of some sprucing up. Using the metaphor of a facial, you will see how to apply it to everything from relationships to redecorating.

The Importance of Ritual

The start of the facial is divine. Rachel comes into the room; takes a deep, cleansing breath; and sounds her Tibetan singing bowl. The resonant sound signals the beginning of a ritual that she takes very seriously, and which she has singlehandedly built a business on. The chime of the bowl chases the last few hurried thoughts from my head, and sings: “For the next little while you are safe with me, nothing can get you right here, right now.” I think this is a crucial step that we forget in our lives.  Rituals have been used throughout human history to signify beginnings and endings, and to help us create beauty and meaning out of seeming chaos.

In our modern lives, rituals are falling away, and I think we are a little poorer for it. You might come home from work, but never transition fully, thereby keeping the hurried, tight feeling with you all night. If you sometimes feel like the week is one big blur, and that the evenings are just not long or restful enough, then you might be in need of a ritual of your own to signal the end of the work day. Some people pour a drink and sink deeply into their couch for some TV, but I think you can do better than that. Television takes a lot of mental energy, even though you are being passively entertained. It will keep your mind racing, and thus won’t serve to transition you. There is a place for watching TV, but not right after coming home.

Give yourself thirty minutes at the end of the day to transition into the evening before you do anything else. I recommend getting your own Singing Bowl, a candle or incense, and a comfortable, quiet spot to sit. Take a few cleansing breaths and feel your body say thank you for the moment of rest. Scan your body for any tightness, and stretch if that feels good. These are all just ideas; you can make your ritual anything you would like, but give it a definite beginning (like sounding the bowl, lighting a candle, or pushing play on a soothing soundtrack) and close the ritual with the same definite end by blowing out the candle, stopping the music or sounding the bowl. It is also good to perform your ritual in a room that you won’t stay in, for instance, in your bedroom, or in the bath. That way there is an ending to the ritual and you can step back into your evening, presumably, in the living room and kitchen.

Cleanse

Anything in life can be accomplished if we know how to do it. It seems self-explanatory, yes, but think about how often you have felt stuck because you didn’t know the first, or the next, step to take. I firmly believe that the first step in any process should always be to cleanse. You cannot start a facial without first removing all the dirt and makeup from the day. In decorating, the first step is to clean the room: vacuuming or sweeping the floors, making the bed, or putting away the toys. In relationships, the first step is to remove any of the bitter surface stains that have tarnished the relationship. A loving, honest conversation is a good way of clearing house. And just like with real cleaning, it is better to deal with little messes anywhere in your life right away, than to let big ones build up. If you feel like a mess might be too big to clean up yourself, enlist the help of a professional in the area you are dealing with: a cleaning crew, a couples counselor, a financial advisor, or a Supernanny. If you can’t do it alone, ask for help.

Exfoliate

After the dirt and makeup has been gently removed, my skin is now ready to be assessed. With the surface exposed, it is easy to see what my skin really needs, and the treatment can be planned from there. Usually, with skin, as with other things, an exfoliation is necessary. Exfoliating is not the same as cleansing, although the two are often confused. Exfoliation is used to remove dead skin cells and sebum from the surface of the skin so that the newer skin and oil underneath can thrive. Cleansing removes things from the face that are unnatural, and didn't belong there in the first place, but that inevitably build up during our day. It is important to note the difference, in your own process, between cleansing and exfoliating as well. You might be good at keeping a clean house, but have a drawer full of broken pens, or a closet full of ill-fitting clothes that you never wear. You might have good, honest relationship or friendship, but rely on the same dynamics, conversations, and activities as before, even though both members have grown and changed. You might eat perfectly clean and healthy, but have a regimented relationship with food that cuts off your intuition or enjoyment.

You see; there is a difference between being clean, and periodically removing things that no longer serve you, even though they might have been a healthy, functioning “cell” in your life before. After you have cleansed, take some time to see if there are some things, you could exfoliate from your chosen area of improvement. When you exfoliate, be as delicate with your life as you are with your skin, exfoliating gently but often, and see a new, healthier surface appear.

Masque

After my skin has been cleansed and exfoliated, it is time to masque. Masques are essentially concentrated nourishment for your skin. Another pebble of wisdom falls from my facialists’ lips and she massages the smell of berries onto my skin: “If you take away, you have to put back.” That truth extended so much farther than the massage table I was lying on. After you have removed the things that no longer serve you, you will be left with more space to add things that do serve you. This is a great time for intensive nourishment. After you have removed unrewarding commitments from your schedule, you will be left with time to read, catch up on sleep, or try a new hobby. If you moved the clutter and ugly furniture from your room, you are free to arrange a few deliberate objects in a manner that pleases you. When you remove old beliefs and expectations about how your relationship should be, you can now nourish and grow what the relationship is. If you removed a junk food habit, there is now room for a love of cooking, or skinny jean collecting, to grow. Whatever survived the exfoliation is considered a healthy “cell” and is right there on the surface to receive whatever attention and nourishment you slather on. Fill the space, and remember to make it intensively nourishing.

Moisturize

When the masque has done its time and gets removed, my skin gets layers and layers of final goodness massaged in. A spritz of toner, a few drops of serum, and then a lather of moisturizer. All these things serve to lock in the nourishment from the masque, add their own lower-dose nourishment , and protect those new cells from the elements. Moisturizing, just like cleansing, is something you want to do every day to maintain the results you have achieved. The same goes for your own project of improvement. After you have finished decorating that room, reinforce the new space by spending some quality time in there everyday to renew yourself. If you have made positive changes in a relationship, reinforce those changes with daily nourishment and gratitude toward the other person. Whatever new and healthy surface you have uncovered, remember to nourish it daily.

Nothing Is Worth Doing If It Is Not Done With Love

My facialist (from-here-on-out known as the greatest woman on earth) doesn’t just apply moisturizer to my face; she gives an amazing mini-massage! She starts with my arms and hands, then my feet and legs, and finally my poor shoulders and neck. Not only is this a testament to the sheer love she puts into every facial, but is also the single most important lesson I learnt on that bed. Don’t tell anyone else this but… self-improvement is supposed to feel good, because it is good! In the end, even though the extractions might be a little painful or the exfoliation a little abrasive, the end result always feels sublime. The results aren’t anything to kid about either.

So take an area of your life, or your body, and apply this regimen to it with love: Cleanse and moisturize daily; and exfoliate and masque twice a week. In a month, you might not recognize that glowing reflection staring back at you.

mind.your.garden

Growing The Garden Of The Mind:

I recently heard that: “Your mind is like a garden, and just like in a garden: either flowers or weeds will grow. The problem is, that if you do not plant flowers, weeds will sprout up automatically.” This got me thinking about the metaphor of "the garden" when living an intentional life.

It is within the landscape of our minds that we start to create our life, and if we do not start to create deliberately, then old fears, and bad mental habits will create a world for us. So how do we go about mental gardening? Here are some easy tips to grow a fragrant bouquet in your life:

1. WEEDING

You would never undertake a huge design project without some sort of premeditated idea or design. Nor should you haphazardly hack away at your inner landscape without at least an idea of what you want to achieve.  My first rule in design, and life, is to “let the good overcrowd the bad”.  Think about this whenever there is something you wish to change in your life. Instead of trying to rip and tear a bad habit, relationship, or mental pattern from your inner landscape, try instead to “crowd it out” with positive things.

Take, for example, a bad relationship: Yes, you could try to cut a toxic person out of your life. But, as many people have experienced, attachment can be a funny thing. If it where as easy as just not partaking in something bad for us, then the world would be full of perfect people. In the case of a relationship that no longer serves you, there is an easier way than just “ripping off the band aid.” Instead, fill the time you would have spent with that person, doing things for yourself. Cultivate friendships and hobbies; you know, those things that fall at the way side when you start spending all your time with that one person.  Part of the anxiety of letting go of someone is the anxiety of the void that they will leave in your life. Start to fill that void with good things, and all of a sudden, you will feel the organic separation that occurs when two incompatible people simply go their own ways.

 The same goes for bad habits. Instead of keeping your same routine, but cutting out one damaging aspect, try to crowd out the nasty habit with a few new options. If you like eating junk food at night, then commit to having a salad before dinner and snacking on veggies all day. Think of it as currency: for every serving of veggies I eat, I’m allowed one treat. If you want to quit smoking, then start a physical activity like jogging or spin class and allow yourself one cigarette for every 10 minutes of activity.  If you always watch TV, or are on the internet in your free time, commit to journaling for 10 minutes before you turn to your usual distractions, but then indulge guilt free. Your new habits are there to release you from the guilt that your old habit carry. Releasing guilt is an essential step for moving forward with your change.

You will find that your new habits work in a few ways: Firstly, they broaden your self-concept, now making room for a change. If you are now a runner, that becomes less compatible with being a smoker. If you eat healthier, you are no longer just an unhealthy eater. You broaden your self-concept, thus giving you the CHOICE to really change if you want to, because you can now see how the other side feels. At the same time, you have not yet “committed” to quitting your bad habit, which means you can out-grow it organically.  Most people think “just stopping” is the only option, but the fear of failure stops them from even trying. But when you broaden your horizons by adding good habits to your current ones, you will find that the older habits no longer serve you.  In contrast, if you were to just try to cut the habit out, the void that is left will be glaring, and if you do end up falling off the wagon you will just reinforce your identification with that bad habit. 

2. PLANTING SEEDS

You cannot have what you do not know you want!

 Many people live a default life. They take the jobs that they are offered. They date the people that cross their paths. They accept the truths that others tell them, and so their life passes them by, without having made a decision, at all, about how they would like to live.

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” That might be tough to answer, but at least start with something smaller like: “what is your ideal job?” or “what qualities does your ideal mate have?” If you have never sat down and written out, in detail, about the essential features of your life, then you are not daring to live! Many people are scared of disappointment, and so they never ask. This, to me, is so sad. If you ask anyone who has tried this exercise, they will tell you that it works! WHEN YOU GET CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, IT IS LIKE SETTING A COURSE FOR YOUR SHIP TO SAIL. If you put no other work into your life, at least do this one thing. Yes, it might be years before you reach your destination, but the other option is just to drift aimlessly until you die. So really, what do you have to lose by setting a vision for yourself?

I personally love LISTS! I make a list for everything I want. I title it: "My New Job", or "Summer Body" or "My Relationship" or "My Perfect Partner"or "Me: 2012". I make lists over and over for the same thing...tweaking it as my needs/wants evolve. I write them whenever I get a chance, on anything I can get my hands on. You don't need to keep them, you just need to keep writing them! Write in the present "I have" ,"I live" ,"I do", not "I want/wish/will have" and write positives. Don't say: "I'll lose 10 pounds", instead say "I am fit, healthy, and attractive."

Make sure that you are DETAILED but not specific. This means focussing on feelings or features of what you want, but stay away from naming the exact thing. For instance, instead of saying "I want to lose 10 pounds", or "I want to be skinnier", focus on all the detailed feelings that you want. "I  see the definition in my leg muscles", "I feel full of energy", "Clothes look great on me", "I get compliments on my butt from strangers"...whatever will get you in the feeling place without constraining you. If at any time while making your list you feel stressed/anxious/tight in your body/mental resistance, then try to rephrase that item so that you feel FREEDOM! 

3. TENDING YOUR GARDEN

You should spend as much time in your garden as you can. If you neglect your garden, it will be at the mercy of nature and the elements, and will not turn out the way you would like. Read, learn, nourish yourself, and listen to your body and mind. Rest when you need it; laugh when you need it. Use the vision you set for yourself to guide your action when you start to feel lost again. For example: I was feeling totally hopeless about cultivating friendships. It just felt like hard work, and I had a problem getting close to people. Despite having no faith in the idea of cultivating close friendships with inspiring females, I set out to create a vision for myself nonetheless. Now, all of a sudden, I am spending a lot of time with inspiring woman, and really connecting. Also I have better relationships with my (small) group of current girlfriends, but we have rekindled or redefined our friendship. But, there are also new inspiring people that I want to connect with. I asked…and it was given!

4. LETTING THEM GROW

The Dalai Lama said: “When you plant seeds, you do not sit there and wait for them to grow. You carry on with your life, trusting in the process of nature.”

The same goes for your garden. You can tend it everyday, and ensure optimal conditions for growing, but in the end, you are wasting your life if you just sit there and wait for results. There likely is, in every one of our lives, something that we wished was different. We would maybe even go as far as to say that if this one thing changed, we would be happy. This is the biggest mistake people make. They waste huge chunks of their life waiting for things to change, instead of trusting the process. Ironically, trying to control the speed of change in our lives is the surest way of slowing this down. I don’t know how or why it works like that, but I can GUARANTEE that you are hindering your growth by “pushing it”. You can spend all day chasing butterflies and not catch a single one, but fall asleep in the grass and you will wake up with ten of them sitting all over your clothes.

Happy Gardening!

separation.desperation

separation is an illusion

an allusion to the past

of the colonies

of the takeover

of the perceived superiority

of the hetero

christian

rich

white

man

but there is no separation

no one is free

until we all are free

and so you continually enslave yourself

when you speak of your superiority

over any other

the coloured man that has tasted bitter oppression

uses that same tongue to call women bitches

keep enslaving yourself

the homosexual man who has won the fight with AIDS in his own country

looking down on Africans suffering

saying they deserve it

those fucking breeders

keep enslaving yourself

the poor man grown rich

extols the virtues of capitalism

that system that suffocated his family and lead to his suffering

keep enslaving yourself

the christian who in the same breath speaks of the love of God

and the fiery pits of hell reserved for those who do not believe

an intolerance of the grandest nature

keep enslaving yourself

the woman who fights everyday to make it in this world

and then turns around to her fellow sister

and calls her a slut

keep enslaving yourself

keep judging others

keep enslaving yourself…

the.thirst

Although our collective cultural enthrallment with Vampires has (pardon the pun) died down a bit, I believe that the story of the Vampire will forever hold a special place in the psyche of humans. Garlic, stakes, silver and sunlight aside, I believe we are all—metaphorically—Vampires.

Stories in a culture are a mirror held up to our collective consciousness, and the story of the Vampire is no exception. Even blood is an important metaphor here. Blood represents our life force in an important way. It animates us, and a body drained of blood is still intact and looks much the same, but is without life. Vampires do not eat us whole, ripping flesh from bone like any other meat eater; humans included. The poetic beauty of Vampires is that they only take our life force, leaving us otherwise intact. Also an apt metaphor for Capitalism, I think.

Vampirism could be seen as a metaphor for how we live much of our lives. Money, time, energy, and emotions… they are all life force. From time-to-time we feel suitably alive, and animated by the life force flowing through us. Other times, we feel drained of our life forces either through individuals, or through systems like Capitalism, that leave us feeling like we are barely clinging to life. This is to say, some times we feel more Vampire than human. If you are drained to such an extent that you die, you will inevitably turn into a vampire too: doomed to drain the life force from others and perpetuating the cycle. This is something to watch out for.

But, besides being a cautionary tale of energy exchange, the metaphor is also appropriate for how each of us chooses to live our lives. Humans all have the thirst; except for us, it translates into a feeling of “I need more”. This drive for always getting more is our human nature, and without it, our species would die off because we would completely stop striving for survival. But unfortunately this thirst cannot be quenched either. We never get to a point in our lives where we say: “Ok, this is enough. I am going to stop now and just live with what I have.” We somehow always feel like we are just teetering on the brink of survival. We are always parched, no matter how much we drink!

So why the fascination with Vampires, when they represent such an ugly truth about our nature? I think it is because the story of Vampires shows the outcomes of choosing (or not) to go against your biological tendencies. Good Vampires choose to be more than what nature rendered them as, whilst evil Vampires revel in their place in the food chain, and completely give in to their instinct to kill and drain. Ironically, even though Vampires represent an evolved species, when a vampire chooses to embrace his nature, he is reduced to nothing more than an animal. The good Vampire, that learns to live with his unquenchable thirst, goes on to pursue a meaningful life. Within this paradox lies our fascination with Vampires.

Homo sapiens sapien means “The man that knows that he knows”. We know much about our human nature, yet if we choose to give into it completely, we are reduced to animals. And that is what a vampire is: Homo sapiens anamalus…the man that knows he is an animal. In this way, we are all Vampires, unless we choose to be more than that.

So I propose we all learn to live with the thirst. Instead of telling ourselves: “I will be happy when I get more money/ a mate/ that house/ this new job/ more sex/ that next vacation etc”, we choose to accept the truth that even though this thirst might seem life threatening and very visceral, it is NOT going to be quenched by the next achieved goal. Of course, we will never stop striving, but we must learn to live a joyful life while we pursue our goals. It is a delicate balance, and since our lives are always in flux—dependent on a million factors from sleep, to traffic, to state of mind—the thirst will seem stronger sometimes. When we are tired, we reach for candy; when we are lonely we look for sex; when we are sad, we dream about money. Our suffering is vast and varied, but it is all connected. And therefore, most of it can be alleviated simply through acknowledgement. Acknowledge your thirst, and then move toward enjoying your life anyway.  

super.powers

My Strength is My Weakness

Just like Superman, the alien from the planet Krypton, the very thing that makes me powerful is also my downfall. See, I unabashedly believe in superpowers, and I think that we all have them. They are our innate preferences; skills and talents that might seem mediocre at first, but when cultivated, can become supernatural. Think of a powerful athlete that defies what we think is possible for our bodies. Think of math geniuses, elite musicians, and composers. There are also those people that appear “normal” to the untrained eye, but possess energetic, internal talents that everyone around them can attest to. Some are teachers; put on this earth to guide people through the labyrinth of life. Some are healers; with the ability to work empathetically with our life-source energy to heal, nourish and guide. Just like the X-Men had an array of quirky characters, some people in our midst are just as gifted. Some people are made of stone, in the sense that they are utterly unperturbed by life’s rough sees. Some have magic shields that afford them an unwavering optimism no matter how many blows they get dealt. Some are chameleon like in their ability to adapt to ever-changing circumstances. Some have a force field (what we know as a “strong personality”) around them that can blow people away, or bend them to their will: for good or evil. We know so many people with special abilities, and we also can see to what extent they have embraced those abilities. Maybe we have a friend who uses her optimism simply to carry on being a good administrative assistant, but we also know of the great optimists that have fully cultivated their abilities and have made it their careers. Martha Beck--a woman who has fully embraced her MANY superpowers--comes to mind. But whether you have embraced your superpowers or not, you know deep down inside what they are. We all do.

Our intuition is squashed from such a young age, we are all made to feel alien for doing what comes naturally to us. Optimists are told to get real, and that life is hard. Artists are told that they will be starving. We are told not to get our hopes up. We are told, essentially, not to do what feels right because the only actions deemed noble in this world are suffering, and working hard at something you don’t enjoy. No wonder the world is in such a mess. All the ills we see happening in the world are symptoms of this diseased thinking. For as long as I can remember, I have never felt like I truly belonged on planet earth. The funny thing is, most of us probably don’t.

I have felt like an alien for all of my life, until I met my partner Chris. He is the first person to see right through my “skin suit” to who I really am. He knows what my superpower is, and has encouraged me to develop it, and learn to control it so that it doesn’t control me. Looking back over my life, for as long as I can remember I have had the same superpower. It has always served me well, but has also made me feel like an outsider. Except, as I learn to accept more of the “unseen” things in the world I realize that I am indeed a weird little alien, but I am living among other weird little aliens, and we are all pretending to be normal…whatever that is!

So, what is my superpower? Well…try not to laugh…it’s X-Ray vision!  No seriously, it is. I don’t see through walls, I see through people, situations, and circumstances. When I meet people, I get “a read” on most of them within a few minutes of getting to know them. I also get clear insights into people’s motivations sometimes. It is more than just their behaviors, although those often give them away. The way they enter a room, watching to see who is watching them. The way they speak to try to hide their insecurities. Their mannerisms; their tone; the way they are around different people. The looks they give. All of this stuff most people that are “good with people” can pick out. But I feel, for lack of a better word, their energy. (If that word gives you hives, or engages your eye roll response then it is probably best you stop reading. The rest of this article is only going to get weirder.) It is so impossible for me to describe what I feel sometimes with people, but what I can best describe it as is psychic energy…as in…the vibes coming from their psyche/personality/thoughts (whether unconscious or not). 

When someone meets me that is threatened by my looks, it hits my like a brick wall. When someone is uncomfortable in a social situation, I can feel the fidgety energy. When someone is insecure I can taste the bitter taste of insecurity. When someone is trying to control the situation/conversation it is the worst because I start to vibrate, shiver and shake inside! It’s like I can actually feel their energy trying to bend me to their will-whether they realize they are doing it or not. Now imagine me trying to act normal while being bombarded by these energies. It is exhausting! I mean, most people are giving off some bad vibes at some point. We all feel insecure, or controlling, or restless at times. In a crowded room (where even the most self-assured person's insecurities come out), it is bound to be a mixed bag energy and I can feel all of it. I have found myself becoming more and more withdrawn lately since I have been consciously developing my superpower. As my ability gets stronger, I find it more and more intolerable to be around people and be bombarded by their issues. I say “issues”, because when someone is giving off positive energy I just bask in it unaffected, but when someone is having some sort of psychological conflict I am hit with it...hard! Now isn’t it so funny that my Superpower is also my Kryptonite? Actually, it’s a perfect design.

It is the age-old wisdom of the comic books that “with great power comes great responsibility”, and that if we do not control our powers, they will control us. Empathy and a natural ability to care for people can turn into a life of servitude to others. Power, if wielded unwisely, will be your downfall. Optimism, when used to mask real problems, can be destructive. Imagination, when used to escape and hide instead of build and create, is just an addiction. Teaching can become preaching. Healing can become manipulation. In all of our natural abilities lies our destruction. For me, having a front row seat to other people’s issues not only makes me a hermit, but also makes it hard for me to open up to some kinds of people. Mostly because my first response, without fail, is to give them what they want out of the social interaction so that my suffering from feeling their anxieties will stop! After that, not much energy is left for me to talk about myself. Especially when I can feel that they are so caught up in their own issues they don't really want to get to know me.

I have become quite the social chameleon. When I encounter that woman who is threatened by my looks, if I know I have to "be friendly" with her for a while I will instantly try to put her at ease by complementing her, and letting her feel that she is better than me in some way by revealing an insecurity or fault. I dial up my naïveté, and dial-down my exuberance. When I feel that someone is trying to control the situation or conversation, I quiet right down and submit to her. I nod a lot, and ask questions and say “oh really”—sometime as an exclamation and sometimes as a question, but always in a way that lets them prattle on. Why don't I assert my points? Talk over them? MAKE them listen to me? Well, trying to compete with someone energetically is impossible for me. The more I push, the more I intensify their controlling energy, which I can then feel magnified, so the worse I feel in return. Instead I nod and smile, while feeling myself vibrating faster and faster until I am shaking inside (and sometimes outside) with their dictatorial energy.

 In this way I feel totally incapacitated by this superpower. It has rendered me lonely and almost anti-social. But, every now and then, I have a day where I feel like nothing can touch me. I still feel all that energy, but instead of soaking it up and having it knot in my solar plexus like a toxic waste-dump, I can let it all roll off of me. I can still help that person if I truly want to, but I don’t have to alter my behaviour to make them feel better. Sometimes I can find that sweet separation between them and me, and I can let them have whatever mood they are in. The problem is, I am just learning how to do that.  That is the next act for me. I am learning to stop internalizing other people’s feeling states, and to go about my life-enjoying people for who they want to be, not what they are feeling in the moment.  But until then, if you run into me in a crowded room and you can see a faint twitching in the corner of my eye, just remind me to take a deep breath!