super.powers

My Strength is My Weakness

Just like Superman, the alien from the planet Krypton, the very thing that makes me powerful is also my downfall. See, I unabashedly believe in superpowers, and I think that we all have them. They are our innate preferences; skills and talents that might seem mediocre at first, but when cultivated, can become supernatural. Think of a powerful athlete that defies what we think is possible for our bodies. Think of math geniuses, elite musicians, and composers. There are also those people that appear “normal” to the untrained eye, but possess energetic, internal talents that everyone around them can attest to. Some are teachers; put on this earth to guide people through the labyrinth of life. Some are healers; with the ability to work empathetically with our life-source energy to heal, nourish and guide. Just like the X-Men had an array of quirky characters, some people in our midst are just as gifted. Some people are made of stone, in the sense that they are utterly unperturbed by life’s rough sees. Some have magic shields that afford them an unwavering optimism no matter how many blows they get dealt. Some are chameleon like in their ability to adapt to ever-changing circumstances. Some have a force field (what we know as a “strong personality”) around them that can blow people away, or bend them to their will: for good or evil. We know so many people with special abilities, and we also can see to what extent they have embraced those abilities. Maybe we have a friend who uses her optimism simply to carry on being a good administrative assistant, but we also know of the great optimists that have fully cultivated their abilities and have made it their careers. Martha Beck--a woman who has fully embraced her MANY superpowers--comes to mind. But whether you have embraced your superpowers or not, you know deep down inside what they are. We all do.

Our intuition is squashed from such a young age, we are all made to feel alien for doing what comes naturally to us. Optimists are told to get real, and that life is hard. Artists are told that they will be starving. We are told not to get our hopes up. We are told, essentially, not to do what feels right because the only actions deemed noble in this world are suffering, and working hard at something you don’t enjoy. No wonder the world is in such a mess. All the ills we see happening in the world are symptoms of this diseased thinking. For as long as I can remember, I have never felt like I truly belonged on planet earth. The funny thing is, most of us probably don’t.

I have felt like an alien for all of my life, until I met my partner Chris. He is the first person to see right through my “skin suit” to who I really am. He knows what my superpower is, and has encouraged me to develop it, and learn to control it so that it doesn’t control me. Looking back over my life, for as long as I can remember I have had the same superpower. It has always served me well, but has also made me feel like an outsider. Except, as I learn to accept more of the “unseen” things in the world I realize that I am indeed a weird little alien, but I am living among other weird little aliens, and we are all pretending to be normal…whatever that is!

So, what is my superpower? Well…try not to laugh…it’s X-Ray vision!  No seriously, it is. I don’t see through walls, I see through people, situations, and circumstances. When I meet people, I get “a read” on most of them within a few minutes of getting to know them. I also get clear insights into people’s motivations sometimes. It is more than just their behaviors, although those often give them away. The way they enter a room, watching to see who is watching them. The way they speak to try to hide their insecurities. Their mannerisms; their tone; the way they are around different people. The looks they give. All of this stuff most people that are “good with people” can pick out. But I feel, for lack of a better word, their energy. (If that word gives you hives, or engages your eye roll response then it is probably best you stop reading. The rest of this article is only going to get weirder.) It is so impossible for me to describe what I feel sometimes with people, but what I can best describe it as is psychic energy…as in…the vibes coming from their psyche/personality/thoughts (whether unconscious or not). 

When someone meets me that is threatened by my looks, it hits my like a brick wall. When someone is uncomfortable in a social situation, I can feel the fidgety energy. When someone is insecure I can taste the bitter taste of insecurity. When someone is trying to control the situation/conversation it is the worst because I start to vibrate, shiver and shake inside! It’s like I can actually feel their energy trying to bend me to their will-whether they realize they are doing it or not. Now imagine me trying to act normal while being bombarded by these energies. It is exhausting! I mean, most people are giving off some bad vibes at some point. We all feel insecure, or controlling, or restless at times. In a crowded room (where even the most self-assured person's insecurities come out), it is bound to be a mixed bag energy and I can feel all of it. I have found myself becoming more and more withdrawn lately since I have been consciously developing my superpower. As my ability gets stronger, I find it more and more intolerable to be around people and be bombarded by their issues. I say “issues”, because when someone is giving off positive energy I just bask in it unaffected, but when someone is having some sort of psychological conflict I am hit with it...hard! Now isn’t it so funny that my Superpower is also my Kryptonite? Actually, it’s a perfect design.

It is the age-old wisdom of the comic books that “with great power comes great responsibility”, and that if we do not control our powers, they will control us. Empathy and a natural ability to care for people can turn into a life of servitude to others. Power, if wielded unwisely, will be your downfall. Optimism, when used to mask real problems, can be destructive. Imagination, when used to escape and hide instead of build and create, is just an addiction. Teaching can become preaching. Healing can become manipulation. In all of our natural abilities lies our destruction. For me, having a front row seat to other people’s issues not only makes me a hermit, but also makes it hard for me to open up to some kinds of people. Mostly because my first response, without fail, is to give them what they want out of the social interaction so that my suffering from feeling their anxieties will stop! After that, not much energy is left for me to talk about myself. Especially when I can feel that they are so caught up in their own issues they don't really want to get to know me.

I have become quite the social chameleon. When I encounter that woman who is threatened by my looks, if I know I have to "be friendly" with her for a while I will instantly try to put her at ease by complementing her, and letting her feel that she is better than me in some way by revealing an insecurity or fault. I dial up my naïveté, and dial-down my exuberance. When I feel that someone is trying to control the situation or conversation, I quiet right down and submit to her. I nod a lot, and ask questions and say “oh really”—sometime as an exclamation and sometimes as a question, but always in a way that lets them prattle on. Why don't I assert my points? Talk over them? MAKE them listen to me? Well, trying to compete with someone energetically is impossible for me. The more I push, the more I intensify their controlling energy, which I can then feel magnified, so the worse I feel in return. Instead I nod and smile, while feeling myself vibrating faster and faster until I am shaking inside (and sometimes outside) with their dictatorial energy.

 In this way I feel totally incapacitated by this superpower. It has rendered me lonely and almost anti-social. But, every now and then, I have a day where I feel like nothing can touch me. I still feel all that energy, but instead of soaking it up and having it knot in my solar plexus like a toxic waste-dump, I can let it all roll off of me. I can still help that person if I truly want to, but I don’t have to alter my behaviour to make them feel better. Sometimes I can find that sweet separation between them and me, and I can let them have whatever mood they are in. The problem is, I am just learning how to do that.  That is the next act for me. I am learning to stop internalizing other people’s feeling states, and to go about my life-enjoying people for who they want to be, not what they are feeling in the moment.  But until then, if you run into me in a crowded room and you can see a faint twitching in the corner of my eye, just remind me to take a deep breath!