jealous.much

I believe in listening to my intuition, to that gut feeling I get about something that is sometimes seemingly out of nowhere. Sometimes I have such strong emotional reaction to things that “shouldn’t” be a big deal, and it makes me feel crazy! In my case, the alarm usually screams from somewhere in my sternum, and moves it’s way up past my heart, and into my throat as the issue evolves, and eventually resolves itself through expression-whether that be to my partner, a friend, or through writing.

The latest of these feelings came in the form of a disgust-reflex I had at seeing a part of the movie The Seven Year Itch with Marilyn Monroe. Every woman I knew has grown up with Marilyn in the periphery of her consciousness. She is after all our modern Helen of Troy. I honestly hadn’t given her that much though until lately, but it seems as though we are going through a Marilyn-appreciation resurgence. When we (my partner and I) watched a segment of that movie, I really couldn’t suppress the disgust reflex that bubbled up. My partner shook off my reaction as jealousy at her status, or insecurity in my own looks, which is why he thinks I don't like Kate Hudson either. For a while I wondered if that was all it was. Am I just having a good old jealousy attack? But if it was as simple as that, then why do some woman make me have this feeling while others don't? I am not jealous of Amanda Seyfried or Angelina Jolie, both of whom are insanely beautiful. Why am I so bothered by some women and not others? The feeling didn’t go away, and I have come to trust my inner navigation system enough not to try to suppress it. When my radar beeps, I don’t just assume that it’s malfunctioning. And so I let myself feel what I was feeling knowing that the discomfort, much like a pocket of air bubbling up from my stomach, would cause more ache if I didn’t just let it out.

And here it is:

The problem with someone that is so praised for their beauty, and for nothing else, is that they are not valued for being human, messy, and complex. They are crafted into an artificial notion of perfection, and no doubt her humanity withered under the suffocation of that lie. As the film rolled on, I got more and more uncomfortable with all the aspects of it. That poor woman! She was not only the original dumb blonde, but she is so thoroughly objectified and made a fool of that no wonder her life ended the way it did. To see her beauty, which really is not only timeless but radiant, be so thoroughly exploited was really hard to ignore. And she set the standard for the treatment of “The Bombshell” for decades to come. I couldn’t just shut off my brain and enjoy the film, because I was watching history being made, and I could see how she has shaped the world I live in as a woman today.

When I saw her for the first time in that film, it was the same as when I finally got to see the Mona Lisa. For anyone who hasn’t seen the Mona Lisa, it is very disappointing! The painting is only 30 inches tall, and housed behind a thick bullet proof case, cordoned off by velvet ropes so that there is no person that is able to get within 10 feet of her. I imagine it must have been much the same case with Marilyn, which led me to compare the two phenomena side by side. The Mona Lisa was never commissioned for a famous patron, nor was the painting displayed for many years after being finished. When the painting was finally displayed, it did not revolutionize the art world immediately. Part of the reason the Mona Lisa is so famous now is because fame is somewhat of a snowball effect. A man committed suicide in front of the Mona Lisa (which might have been a coincidence), and it has also been stolen twice. Is it because she has a magical power over people? If you have seen her you will likely agree that it is probably not the case. But regardless, part of her fame is, I’m sorry to say, some hype.

I think the same could be said of Marilyn Monroe. She was, no doubt beautiful and likely had an enigmatic quality about her, but now that she is gone what are we left with? You cannot reproduce the light that someone has, and so by reproducing this limited image of a smiling Marilyn over and over again in our culture, leads me to wonder if we are not just in love with her artificiality. After all, she was not even a natural blonde. She also had a stutter, and spent much of her childhood in foster homes. There is nothing perfect about her if you consider the whole picture, yet she seemed to do everything to try to escape those aspects of herself, and in our continued idealization of her we are trying to suppress her humanity (and perhaps our own) as well. That is not much of a tribute, in my opinion.

In the end, that is what sets my radar off, and ultimately bothers me about some people (famous or otherwise) and not others. How well do they embrace their humanity, their complexity, and their messiness? Sometimes I get the feeling that someone’s whole life is a performance, and usually my radar goes off when I am exposed to someone like that. It does not mean I am judging them as frivolous and inconsequential (well at least I try not to) but it does mean that I do not see them as strong women, and I do not appreciate them as much as someone who just goes about her life-strong in her sense of self, and not putting on a show for anyone.